5 Simple Rules for Dressing Yourself.

Yesterday, I went to the movies and saw a fourteen year old girl without pants on.

No, I’m not kidding. This is a strong epidemic among girls 14-24. I suspect the culprits (even though I love them) are Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, and Rihanna. This girl was standing there with her popcorn, yelling to her friends (hi parents, let’s teach your children manners), with a button down shirt, Uggs, and what I believe to be white tights. Not thick leggings, not stretch pants, straight up tights.

If it’s been said once, it’s been said a billion times: leggings are not - I repeat- are not pants. Don’t people know this by now? If I can see your ass and everything else, they are not pants. I thought every girl was taught at age four why it is important to wear pants; you can climb things, sit whichever way you want, and boys certainly can’t see up your skirt if you aren’t wearing one. (That sounded dirtier than I meant it, but you get the just.) In our quest to make ourselves more attractive to the opposite sex, have we forgotten the simple rules of decency and class that we were taught at such a young age? With that being said, I decided to make a couple simple rules, because apparently, they’re being forgotten. So here we go:

The basic things your mother taught you that are still true:


1. Leggings Aren’t a Substitute For Pants. I told you I’d have to say it again. Apparently Facebook fan pages and constant status updates aren’t enough to spread the word. Leggings are appropriate to wear under a short skirt, a sweater dress, a tunic, a long (and I mean long) t-shirt. Rule of thumb is this: if your ass is hanging out, time to rearrange your wardrobe choice or get a second opinion.
Exhibit A. Exhibit B.

2. If The Temperature is Below Freezing, Don‘t Wear a Tank Top. This happens too many times to mention at shows, bars, and (what the hell), at the mall. Yes, your top would be adorable in, say, July. Or California. We live in Michigan. And it’s cold. If everyone around you is walking around in jackets and gloves, chances are you shouldn’t be wearing it. Which brings us to our next point…

3. Know How Big Your Boobs Are. This goes hand in hand with Know Your Bra Size & Wear One. It’s become a game between my boyfriend and I to see how many sluts we can point out throughout the night. The “Hey look, that girl’s about to flash everyone” game has become so popular, we’ve even gotten our friend Nina to join in on a couple of occasions. At Warped Tour this summer, we saw a fifteen year old girl with her boobs hiked up so high, her nipple was showing. I kid you not, the girl’s nipple was hanging out. No joke, it was so bad I thought Chris Hansen was going to pop out from behind the merch booth and invite me to have a seat. Remember that speed dating scene in “40 Year Old Virgin” where Andy is sitting at the table with the girl and her boob gradually falls out? Don’t be that girl. Nobody likes that girl. Sleezy boys want to hook up with that girl, but nobody likes her. Put on a sweater, whore.
Exhibit A. Exhibit B.

4. If Patrick Swayze Walks In Heels Better Than You Do, Time To Practice. I love heels, I really do. But I also know there are rules with wearing them. None on an eight hour shift, icy sidewalks, or at a show where I‘m going to be standing for hours. Try wearing them around the house to break them in. Nothing looks worse than a girl who is leaning too far forward or backwards, staggering around in a pair of wedges (which I saw later at the mall… what the hell, ladies!). A good trick is to wear them to a party where you know you’re going to take your shoes off at the door. You walk in, show off your shoes, and then get to put them on display for the rest of the party guests as your feet get to relax. Just please make sure that you have well manicured toes. And cute tights. But definitely clean feet.
Exhibit A. Exhibit B. ...kinda.

4. Get Dressed Before You Go Out. Hey, guys: PJ pants aren’t sexy, presentable, or trendy. There have been too many girls that I’ve seen in this uniform: full makeup, furry boots, Victoria’s Secret Pink sweatpants, North Face fleece, hair in a knot on the top of her head. Double points if she’s wearing a puffy vest. I’m sorry, is this a sleepover and nobody told me? I’m not saying you need to dress to the nines to go to the grocery store! I’m really not! The thing is, I love my lounge pants as much as you do, but if all of us had to get out of our comfy pants to go to the store, you do too. There are a few exceptions, yes. No need to get fully dressed if you’ve got the flu and running to the store for meds, I get it. But your boyfriend doesn’t want to take you to go see “Dear John” while you haven’t even bothered to get dressed. Lounge pants are for lounging. Not for going to the movies, out to dinner, shopping, getting your hair done, going to class, the list goes on.
Exhibit A. Exhibit B.

5. Don’t Wear a T-shirt With Stupid Shit On It. OK. This could be interpreted a couple of different ways. At the Chicago City & Colour show last weekend, Dallas Green brought up an amazing point: let’s trash stupid t-shirts. Any shirt that claims how hot you are or something about the voices in your head? Just don’t wear it. I understand you want to be different. But hey, thanks for helping me out and just telling me ahead of time, “Jess, don’t waste your time. I’m a fucking weirdo.” By the way, Dallas also said that we get rid of Shaggy. I second that.
Exhibit A. Exhibit B.

These are the biggest things that bother me about society. These rules may seem simple to the average human, but the problem is, most of these average humans don’t follow them. If you or anyone around you begin to break one of these rules, stop. Ask for help. You have a problem, and consider this an intervention. If there are any questions or you want to add to this list, leave a comment. I’m eager to hear them!

Golden Globes 2010: Ricky Gervais is still awesome.

Take a breath in, my cold and flu infected friends. Can you smell that? That wonderful, reminds you of home cooked meals smell? That’s the smell of Awards Season. And it’s my favorite time of year.


[I ♥ Ricky Gervais.]

The Golden Globes were on last night. To me, they’re like my birthday dinner before the dessert comes. I’ll look foreword to it all day, even plan out what I’m going to wear while I’m experiencing it. I’m starving and it will fill me up, yet not satisfy me completely. That satisfaction, that cherry on top of that delicious plate of fried ice cream, is most definitely the Academy Awards. Well, that’s in a couple of weeks, so for now we get to savor that show that will prepare us for the big one. Hopefully, some of these people will take a second to reflect on the things that they wore. Women like Sandra Bullock and Mo’Nique can sit back and gaze into their reflection staring back at them in their brand new trophies, thinking of how gorgeous they looked (not to mention send their stylists and hairdresser flowers). Then Drew Berrymore (take off that awful fanny pack of sequins, then we'll talk) and Kate Hudson can look into their mirror or the “Worst Dressed” lists that have been generated and think about what they’ve done (those stylists get time outs. Hairstylists did OK.). In a couple of weeks, you can redeem yourselves. Until then, this is what I thought of a few of their peers.

She wanted the attention, so let’s give it to her. Mariah Carey looked like an escort that someone was taking to a steak house. I’m over her and her ghetto fabulous, revealing, over the top ensembles. Everyone is obsessed with how she looks in Precious and it’s (to sat the least) bugging the shit out of me. Who is talking about her actual performance? Nobody. All people can talk about is how the world’s biggest diva took off her makeup to play a role. Big deal. It’s called acting.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Cher. Paul Stanley. Cher. Paul Stanley. /End.

How thrilled was I, by the way, at Amy Adams and Kristen Bell rocked short dresses? While Amy Adams had the cutest maternity dress I’ve seen in a while (See: Rachel Weisz at the 2006 Oscars), Kristen Bell looked fun and comfortable.

After looking at a lot of pictures, I’m wondering how many boys helped pick out their wives’ and girlfriends’ dresses. Anna Paquin looked amazing, I’m sure double stick tape was her best friend for the night. Did Christina Aguliera’s boob pop out? No, wait. That was just a poor color choice for your skin tone. My bad. Oh and thanks a lot, Christina Hendricks. Like my boyfriend needed another excuse to stare at you. Juuust kidding. You're pretty.

Really, Zoe Saldana? What the hell, dude? You’re so cute, have an amazing body, your hair looked flawless. Why then, would you overshadow everything with that disgusting raisin dress? It’s a big, blowsy, wrinkled comforter. There are ruffles where there shouldn’t be, weird flap things missing like redneck teeth, and weird, splotty, gross-- you know what? I won’t waste any more time talking about this mess. And check out Hot Topic on the left. Who brought that guy?

As for boys: Oh hey, Robert Downey, Jr. Like ladies needed a reminder of how awesome you look in a tux. The guy's certainly didn't need a refresher of how badass you are. I feel like he didn’t wear a tie not because a stylist told him not to, but because he didn’t feel like it. And he can do that. You know why? Because he’s fucking Robert Downey, Jr. That’s why.

Speaking of badasses, there are two that I have to mention. Way to bring back velour, Sam Jackson. How the hell did he pull this off? Probably the same way that Mickey Rourke pulled off his Crocodile Dundee lapels. Awesome. (Love his lady friend's fantastic dress!)

Sup, Mark Wahlberg? You’re keepin' it classic, I like that. I like your tux. You've got a bottle of water, good thing. It's hot in California. Say hello to your mother for me.

I don’t know what’s going on with Tracy Morgan, but I’m digging the fact that his umbrella matches his pocket square. Somebody's ready to party.

It is no secret how much I despise the “Twilight” franchise. That’s why my like for Taylor Lautner is shocking even me. Out of everyone (yes, I’m even talking to you, Anna Kendrick. Ride that Clooney train as long as you can.) The kid knows how to dress. Everything is tailored, his hair is always styled, he always looks healthy too, which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for the rest of that cast of hooligans. Hi five, Michigan native!

Best dressed goes to:

Jennifer Aniston. Simple jewelry, hair, and shoes. I hope when I’m in my forties, my legs look that good to wear a slit that high. Kristen Bell was a very, very close second, but I could have done without the Claire’s necklace. Yes, even you’re laughing at that cheap looking choker.

And

Robert Downey, Jr. Fuck ties.


Worst dressed goes to

So Tina Fey, how does Helena Bonham Carter feel about you stealing her wardrobe from “Sweeny Todd”? Colleen Atwood is piiiiissed!

And

Quentin Tarantino. Why are you wearing a belly chain? You seem like a cool guy! I like your movies! Just because you have a cult following does not mean you can dress any way you want! Only Mickey Rourke can do that!


The Not-Appropriate-For-The-Night-But-Awesome-Anyway Award goes to Ms. Lindsay Lohan.

Nice attempt, yet not quite hitting the mark. Kinda like her career. (OOOOOOOH!)

Hey cold weather: STFU

I’m freezing. It’s cold outside, I’m wearing layers of clothes, and I’m freezing and I’m pissed off. Let me explain. Lately, (and by lately, of course, I mean the past couple of weeks) I haven’t updated because I’ve been feeling a lack of inspiration. What the hell should I write about? There have been the people I’ve observed at shows, the people who’s hair I’ve cut, the people I’ve seen on reality shows. Something hit me the other day though: I’m fucking pissed off . Oh? You’re asking why? I’ll tell you. It’s January. I’m cold. I wore a dress on New Year’s Eve. I also wore a dress on Christmas Eve. Homegirl got wise and wore pants New Year’s day and Christmas day, though. Tights can only keep you so warm, and I’ve worn my black boots like crazy.
While I had been feeling uninspired I was looking at the most fun new website ever, called Chictopia. It is just a very, very long gallery full of people wearing fantastic outfits and posting them. Well, while looking at this, I see pictures like this. Or this. Or even this. What the hell? Does this website know that while I’m looking at these pictures I’m currently wearing knee socks, pj pants, a tank top, a tshirt, a hoodie, and a Snuggie? Seeing pictures of the amazing sun shining and people in short sleeves is making me sick.
Look, believe it or not, I normally like the wintertime. I do! I was born in December, for cryin’ out loud. Snow is gorgeous to look at, but only if it’s going hand in hand with Christmas lights. I like my birthday, Christmas and New Year’s parties. I also like dresses, sunglasses, and tshirts. Short sleeves and hemlines weren’t designed for girls who live in Michigan. We get those three months out of the 12 month year. This makes (doing the math) nine months of coats, gloves, long sleeves and hats. Nine months! A human grows in that amount of time! That’s so long!
This was brought to my attention last Sunday. Being the girlfriend of an avid toy collector, we have days where we go around town going to various stores looking for these toys. (It’s actually kind of fun. While he browses looking for a variant of someone to make a build-a-figure of someone else who looks like Manbearpig, I get to go around pressing buttons and making “Fur-Real” animals bark at me.) I was digging through my dresser wondering what t-shirt to wear on my day off and it hit me: nobody cares. Know why? Nobody can fucking see it. For all everyone knows, I can have a giant swastika plastered across my chest. You can’t see it under my hoodie and coat. January (and February, and March, and April, and a good chunk of May) always means my big black pea coat, gloves and even sometimes my hat. Always jeans, always boots (oh no, Converse are saved for those days where the sun melts the snow off of the concrete. And forget about those awesome ballet flats that I got that have a FLOWER made out of a ZIPPER. It’s too cold for those.), always sadness.
So I guess my point to writing this was to make a plea to months January, February, March, April, and that good chunk of May Please be kind to us. Remember how amazing June, July, and August were? I understand there needs to be a blizzard of some kind, but let’s leave that behind and kick this whole Global Warming thing into high gear. I’d like to even wear a pair of jeans, hoodie and (gasp!) those super cool ZIPPER FLOWER ballet flats.
Sorry, Al Gore. I’ll take my winter with a side of sunshine and a dash of “unseasonable conditions”. As long as it’s in the name of cute clothes, right?