Wednesday, June 22, 2011

It's Alright!

Admit it: You still love “Saved By The Bell”. There is no shame in this, it was a pretty amazing show.
Recently though, I have been noticing something different while I catch up with Bayside High every morning—Kelly, Jessie, and Lisa look like the hipster girls walking around my neighborhood. I’ve even found myself saying, “I want Lisa’s jacket!” Don’t believe me?

This is Miss Kelly Kapowski. It looks like she just got through lifeguarding with AC Slater at the Malibu Sands beach club. This looks absolutely appropriate for a lifeguard. I'm sure that high cut is very comfortable while running to save someone while they're drowning. Do I actually hear you liking that suit? That's good because...
This is a one piece suit from American Apparel, appropriately named the MALIBU one piece. Coincidence?! I think not, American Apparel! Look around you. Girls are wearing denim print leggings! Keds! SCRUNCHIES! I kid you not, I saw scrunchies at Hot Topic. HOT TOPIC!

OK, I know what you’re thinking. “Jess, c’mon. It’s a plain one piece! They’ve made those for years!” or “We all know American Apparel is weird!” OK. I see your point and raise you this:
This is Jessie Spano. I’m so happy she took time out of her busy schedule to pose for this picture in this oh-so-Native American inspired jacket. Those shoulder pads! That print! Nobody really likes Jessie Spano. Even her boyfriend AC makes fun of her all the time. Why would we ever—
OH GOD! Urban Outfitters did it too! Urban! I thought you were better than this! Yes, you cater to the hipster crowd. Yes, some things in your store are ugly as hell. One has to wonder if Urban Outfitters got together with the American Apparel people and decided to watch an “I love the 90s” marathon, then just say, “Fuck it! THIS is our collection! Totally awesome!” And then they high fived, held their Zimas up in the air and laughed hysterically.

As much as I adore Zack Morris, boys, please don't start dressing like he does. I literally know one person who can pull off white High tops. ONE. I love my generation, I really do. I love our sense of humor, irony and weird obsession with looking as unattractive as possible (but I’ll save that for another blog). But can we just admit that we do, in fact, miss the ‘90s like crazy? I do (and I’m planning on buying some of those high waisted, Tawny Kitaen jean shorts. Watch me). Looking throughout history, you will see that eventually, everything does come back. It was only a matter of time until we met again, ‘90s. I just hope that the early 2000’s fashion doesn’t come back, with that white eye shadow and bowling shirts with weird prints. It won’t, right? Right? Oh no. I’m so excited… I’m so… scared.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Oscars? What Oscars?

I’m blaming Charlie Sheen for not writing a blog about the Oscars.

No, really. Hear me out.

Can you turn on the TV, read a magazine, go into Hot Topic, log into Facebook, Tweet, play on StumbleUpon, talk to your mom, or even walk down the street without hearing something about Charlie Sheen? No, you can’t. The Academy Awards (aka, my Superbowl) happened just two short weeks ago. Nobody cares anymore. Yeah, Melissa Leo swore during her speech. Christian Bale “forgot” his wife’s name (or did he?... I don’t think he did). Natalie Portman got side swiped by a question about that douchey Dior designer. Is anyone talking about it? No. Not. One. Bit.

Normally in the few days following the Oscars, I’m online, flipping through magazines, and watching every type of Fashion Police-esque show to see every single dress that I didn’t catch during any if the many pre-shows that I watch. I can’t this year. The Academy Awards were on a Sunday night, by Monday morning all anyone could talk about was “winning”.

To be honest, I questioned whether or not I should even go about writing this. Is this old news? You know what? I don’t care. These actresses looked amazing, and damn it, I’m going to talk about it.

Look at Jennifer Hudson! Even though you can see what I’m pretty sure is a tan line on her boobs, she looks amazing. Probably one of my best dressed of the night(even though I saw three people helping her with the train as she posed for pictures).

Or Jennifer Lawrence? So simple, looks so comfortable, and so pretty. Why weren’t people talking about how effortlessly gorgeous she looks?

We need to talk about Mark Wahlberg for a second. He looks great, sure, but I’m pretty sure he wears the same tux to every awards show. Thrifty, but change it up, dude. (PS Check out Batman's awesome beard!)

It’s tradition for me to text one of my besties during every awards show. We’re catty and get excited when our fake celeb boyfriends show up looking awesome (more on that another day). We were torn about Cate Blanchett’s dress, but the final vote goes towards the fact that it was amazing, and I am naming her best dressed.

I honestly don’t think I could have picked a worst dressed this year. The show might have been sub-par (sorry), but I really think everyone looked pulled together (yeah, even Helena Bonham- Carter).

In conclusion, I leave you with an amazing picture that I found while Stumbling. I hope that next year, some celebrity follows the steps below so we’re focusing on more fun things like crazy fashion choices—not laughing while someone’s insane, drug addicted father word vomits Busey-like sentences and puts hundreds of people out of a job while he’s “winning”. Here’s to next year!

Monday, February 21, 2011

An Open Letter to Jennifer Love Hewitt

Dear Jennifer Love Hewitt,

We need to talk about your wardrobe. I’ve been silent long enough. This absolutely has to stop. You’re pretty. You’re young. Why keep dressing like a teenager that has no idea what she’s doing?
First of all, let me say that I get it. When these pictures surfaced, I was just as confused as you were. Why were people hounding you? I’m positive that the biggest reason “curvy” girls get scrutinized is due to the fact that most of the general public doesn’t recognize that “curvy” is not a politically correct term for “overweight”. “Curvy” girls like you do not have big arms or legs, which you obviously do not according to those pictures.

What I don’t get is why you have continued to employ your personal stylist. Look, I watched the Golden Globes and even though I didn’t see that Lifetime movie you were nominated for and I don’t watch your show where you see dead people, I was curious to see what you wore. I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. See, you’re a smart girl. We both know that boys don’t look you directly in the eye while they talk to you (it’s a little further South). Why then would you choose to wear a crumb catcher-like pleated thing up top? I will give you points for the color (it goes extremely well with your skin tone) and I will even compliment you on the cinched waist (more on that in a second). But what’s going on? Is this part of your “I’ll make people like me for my brain” campaign? It’s not working.
I saw you on “The Talk” a few weeks ago and I’ve seen you on other shows since then. It hit me that not only do you refuse to wear a bra with straps (WHY!), you also don’t understand that you have waist, Miss. Please define it. Contrary to what you believe, you have big boobs. That means BRA and NO FLOWY TOPS. Therefore, when something makes your shirt with no structure go outwards, it will stay outwards.

Also, I’m not going to forget about when you dressed as Audrey Hepburn for your birthday. Silly me, I thought those pictures were from the set of “The Audrey Hepburn Story”. It wasn’t! You don’t see other celebrities doing a movie and somehow dressing like that person/ decade. What was that about?

I’ve seen paparazzi pictures of you that are adorable. I know you have it in you to dress better. Jennifer, the Academy Awards are next week. If you need a stylist, contact me. Until then, buy a good bra, find some clothes that fit you, and find a look that works. I believe in you.


Saturday, November 13, 2010

Is Tim Gunn officially the only nice person in fashion?

"I feel like a model. It justifies everyone in my life who told me I wouldn’t be anything until I lost weight. It justifies that little girl who cried because she didn’t think she could be in front of the camera. And it’s for other girls who feel like they can’t do this or that and feel like they’re not pretty and not worthy of having their photo taken." --Gabourey Sidibe

A few days ago, I was playing on StumbleUpon (which, by the way, if you haven’t downloaded, do yourself a favor and do it NOW), when a very interesting site came my way. The title was “Full Figured Fashion Week: How To Be Fashionably Fat”. Thinking that this had to be some type of sarcastic twist on itself (they couldn’t be serious), I read on. Funnily enough, the writer, a person named Gendy Alimurung, was in fact completely serious. So serious, that the entire article was about these full figured women and how great it was that they were having their own show during fashion week.

At risk of making this entire blog about my hatred for the way that Gendy wrote about these women, I will steer my feelings towards their rightful destination: The fact that these women, be it plus sized or “fatshionistas” (yes, that IS the word she used), are NORMAL WOMEN. Those of you that know me in person (and have only met me within the past 4 years) might be saying, “Jess, why the hell do you care?” I care because I used to be one of these women. Almost every shopping trip with my mom would result in me crying in the dressing room, crying in the car, or crying at home. They just didn’t make “cute” juniors clothes in plus sizes while I was going to middle school and high school. I would have to shop in the women’s department when I was in 6th grade.

Although Gendy makes valid points with the “how to survive stylishly in a thin person’s world”, it is pointed out at the beginning of the article that they aren’t even her points! They are from these “Fatshionistas”. After rereading the entire article, that same fury that was inside me the first time has returned with full force. The world, especially the fashion industry as a whole, needs to realize that this is what real women look like. Do you ever wonder why you go to a store and the only sizes they seem to have are 0-4? It’s because nobody is that size. Take it from a girl who used to be a 24, stores sell out of the bigger sizes first.

Plus sized women are often treated as not only lesser beings, but in my opinion also like women with a deformity. Being overweight isn’t an ailment, it isn’t a birth defect (which Ms. Gendy should realize, as her Twitter picture clearly portrays her to be one of these women she is writing about). It is something that is a part of you, like a haircut. It can be changed if you want, but it’s who you are. Stop smiling at the heavy girl because she found a coat that works for her. Don’t pat yourself on the back because you remembered to not have everyone announce their t-shirt size aloud for that team building workshop. I’m not telling you not to have manners. I’m simply requesting that you understand that “full figured” women are the same as “skinny” women: the only difference is that they just have a nicer rack and can fill out their jeans better.

Yes, I understand that since the beginning of time, people have been obsessed with weight and sizes. I get that as much as I beg and plead, nobody will ever fully stop talking about it. Hell, I just took time out of my sleeping schedule to write a blog about it. All I ask is that we stop treating these women like they’re different. They aren’t. They’re normal. They don’t need their own form of fashion week-- fashion week should include everyone. (Just ask Tim Gunn. In his book, Gunn's Golden Rules he clearly states that he feels that plus sized women are treated as lesser beings when they should be treated equally.)

I want to apologize if this comes off as a rant, but this is a very sensitive subject for me. As someone who has openly struggled with body image and weight issues for most of my life, I feel that something needs to be said. I do have a message for these women who participated in this “full figured fashion week”: Good for you. And I’m saying “Good for you” in a way that you give props to your friend who just socked the prom queen in the face.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

How To Be A Cute Boy

Wait. Before you say anything, I know. I haven’t written anything in months. I have been slacking in this department and I apologize. A lot has happened since I wrote my last blog. There have been infomercials, tours, trips to Vegas and I actually have a real job now. A real job where I tend to day dream on occasion. I work in an office with a pretty lenient dress code. From what I have observed, it’s just “be clean” and “don’t wear anything offensive”. My building is full of offices, which is full of dudes… going to the office. Every day I observe them, wondering if they picked out what they were wearing of if they happened to have a girl type in their lives who helped them with their wardrobe choices. Then it hit me: For any person to be attractive to the opposite sex, there are only a few essential pieces that they need to own. Guess what? I know what they are! They are so basic, so simple, and guess what: 4 out of 5 pieces can be UNDER $30! Score! Here we go!

1.) Aviators. There’s a reason why these sunglasses have been worn by every badass ever for the past, I don’t know, thirty years. Think about it: any time there is some hot shot guy in a movie (usually toting a gun) he’s wearing aviators. He’s one of two things: super cool, super slick, great dresser or he’s the laid back, probably wearing shorts, funny guy. Win/ win. My sister has worn these for years, strictly bought in gas stations around the country. I suggest this idea because Sunglasses Law states that the more you spend on a pair, the more likely you are to have them stolen or broken. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Oh, also may I add, for most girls, putting on a pair of these suckers will automatically make you drastically better looking. Hyde from That 70s Show anyone?

2. A good pair of jeans. I can not stress this enough. Please, for the love of God, buy a pair of jeans that fits you. While at a stop light the other day, a boy walked in front of my car. He had on clean sneakers (see below), a good cardigan (which I would include, by the way, but not all boys like cardigans--- your loss), and a baseball cap. Nice outfit, right? Oh, wait a second. Your ass is completely hanging out of your tight as hell girl pants. What? How is this comfortable? You can feel comfortable, look cool, and still be put together. This #2 rule should just be “don’t let your ass hang out, you’re not in prison and certainly not impressing anyone”.

3. A nice pair of kicks. A couple of years ago, my step dad told me that when he was on his high school basketball team, he got a pair of converse for practice and another pair strictly for games. Why? Because a good pair of sneakers makes you look clean. Think about it, put on those cool sunglasses, that awesome pair of jeans, your shirt is clean, your hair is styled. Try putting on a dirty, smelly ass pair of shoes and you look like a slob. Meanwhile, that douche bag with that tank top and ripped jeans looks a little bit pulled together with his crisp, white, nicely tied shoes. On a related note, your grandma might not agree with me (well, unless she’s mega cool) but a good pair of tennis shoes could even jazz up a suit. Just sayin’.

4. A good suit. Speaking of suits! You need a good one. I don’t care if you’re flippin’ burgers at Hot n’ Now (which there is no shame in, by the way) you still need a nice suit. There are weddings, funerals, maybe a job interview, and hopefully a date that you want to take your lady on-- all where you will look incredibly handsome with a nice suit. Here’s where it gets tricky: They don’t have to be expensive. Yes, you should find something quality. (Target is your friend. Use it.) At the same time though, this is something you’ll have for years, think of it as an investment. An investment that’ll score a lotta chicks.

5. A good haircut. I was a professional hair stylist for a little over two years. In that time, I did a ton of really crappy haircuts. Not in quality, but in type. Scenester boys, redneck boys, ghetto boys, you name it, I cut it. I wasn’t happy about it, but I cut it. If you want man-bangs, you better be able to pull them off. At the same time, if you want 80s metal hair, you better hairspray that shit as high as it can go and own it. Please get your hair cut. If you don’t use products, tell your stylist. He or she will cut your hair in a way that you don’t need them. Invest in a good shampoo instead. There is no shame at all in taking pride in the way that you look, and it isn’t a stab at your masculinity to flip through a hair book once in a while. Sheesh.

If you have any more questions, might I suggest picking up a copy of the latest GQ. That magazine is amazing and like the boy’s version of Vanity Fair. (Girls, bonus: There are fitness tips, movie reviews, GOOD diet food, lots of chicks with cool hair and makeup to copy, and lots and lots of good looking guys. YES!) On your next shopping trip, please take all of these things into consideration. Just remember: When you look good, you feel good.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Everyone in Los Angeles is beautiful.

Well, I’m officially here. Homeless and unemployed, but here. It took four days, three hotel rooms, two fish tacos, and one cell phone car charger (thanks Bucky, Drunk Dougie, Jase and Mom) to get here. I packed up Trixie* like a puzzle, even throwing trivial things in little nooks and crannies that I could find. What surprised me the most, however, was that I could fit my entire wordrobe inside my tiny car. Thanks to gigantic plastic air tight bags, I was able to do it. I had a tank full of gas, money in my pocket, Mike had the GPS, all electronic devices were charged… so what was there to be scared of?

How to fucking dress when I get here, that’s what!

Everyone in this town has amazing outfits on. Even the hookers that I saw outside The Comedy Store tonight! How am I able to have any self confidence -nay- survive with a wardrobe that is worthy of Michigan only? I have wool sweaters and skirts! I wear tights with everything! My flat black boots are my favorite things in the world! It’s hot here! The only light thing I own are my collection of cut up tshirts. Zooey Deschanel and Jared Leto have not prepared me for how to dress in Los Angeles. Maybe if I had Katy Perry’s legs, than I would be able to wear shorts when it got hot. But I don’t, and I haven’t worn a pair of shorts since I was 15 (I’m not joking: that’s eight years, not including pajama shorts and this past Halloween).

Have you looked at the weather forecast? Of course you haven’t. I am the only person that I know who checks the weather obsessively. For the record, it’s been in the high 60s here. Perfect, just the way I like it. Jeans. Hoodie. Fingerless gloves. Miley flats. Check x4. I think I’ll be OK for now. If not, there’s always Melrose.

*Trixie: (n) the name of my beloved 2007 Royal Blue Cobalt. I love her. Too bad I don’t love her enough to get her an oil change on time. Sorry, Homegirl. Maybe next 2,000 miles.

Monday, March 15, 2010

"It looks like shower curtains in Florida." -Mike

It’s a common occurrence: my boyfriend, Mike, and I are sitting in the basement, watching Celebrity Rehab (or Minute To Win It which is such a fun show-- give it a try). Incredibly full from a gigantic dinner, we’re probably in our Snuggies, each looking up random shit on our laptops. He’s reading about who is rumored to be Captain America and I’m online window-shopping. I say “window-shopping” because I open every single item I want in a new tab, add it to a wish list or my shopping cart, and walk away. But I don’t walk away before I ask Mike’s opinion. For the last four years, I’ve considered myself lucky to have my boyfriend also be my shopping partner. He will give me honest opinions on dresses, shoes, and even the fit of jeans. Are all couples like this? Do all girls have a boyfriend/ finance/ husband who will honestly tell them if that dress that they so dearly love on the rack looks like absolute crap when it’s actually on?

These questions were answered while I was passed out on the couch tonight watching Say Yes To The Dress. This show has become one of my favorites, even as a girl who isn’t anywhere close to picking out a wedding dress*. The episode I was watching featured couples who came to dress shop together. Every single one of these girls expressed one of my greatest fears: What if your future husband doesn’t like the dress you picked out? Your wedding is one of the most important days of your entire life. A bride wants to feel beautiful, but how can she if her new husband can’t stand how she looks? I can’t believe I haven’t realized this before. As much as anyone wants to say that they’re 100% OK with how they look, you can’t sit there and tell me that what other people think of how you’re dressed doesn’t have any effect on what you buy. Everyone who buys clothes wants a second opinion from someone. Be it your mom, sister, best friend or even your boyfriend..

Believe it or not, boys have an opinion about the things that you wear. They will notice those new jeans you just bought, and not because they’re really tight and show off your ass. Maybe you got a pair that are shredded up and really cool, or maybe you got one of those disgusting pairs that have that dirty brown wash to them. (Why the hell do they even make those? “Yeah, I‘ll take a pair of pants that look like I‘ve been rolling around in dirt all day. Thanks.”) I’ll give you a couple of examples.
I love these shoes:

My boyfriend hates these shoes. While I’m shopping, I’ll ask him, “What do you think of these?” His response, “Here is my problem with those shoes. What are you going to wear with them?” What am I going to wear with them? How the hell should I know? They’re amazing shoes! Look at them! They’re loud, tall, peep toe and have a bow on the back of them! Guess what? They’re also $44, and I shouldn’t be spending that on a pair of shoes. Especially on a pair of shoes that I have nothing to wear them with. Without the opinion of Mike, I probably would have bought those $44 Zombie shoes, anxiously awaited them to come to my door, giddily opened the box, and… realized I own nothing that matches them. See? See why having a boy around is a good idea? (They also make them in ballet flats, which I will be buying. As a girl who only wears heels with dresses, my options are increased with the possibility of a flat.)

Here’s another example.

The bright colors on this dress are what drew me to it in the first place. How pretty! Strapless! Bright colors! But did I notice that ruffle on the bottom? Did I notice that bra cup bodice? Nope! I was to distracted by the crazy candy colors that are splashed across this dress.
As I’m typing this, all I can think of is Gretchen Wieners from Mean Girls. “You don’t try clothes on without asking your friends if it looks good on you first. How are you supposed to know if you like something?” I’m not asking you to not think for yourself. If you honestly like something, get it. Don’t be Gretchen Wieners. Get yourself a shopping partner. Get someone who has your best interest at heart, knows how to say things nicely, and knows what you like. Bonus points if that person happens to be your significant other.

Those shoes are from
The dress is from

*This isn’t a hit to anyone wondering, I’m just saying that I have bigger things to spend my money on at the moment. Like moving to Los Angeles!