Take a breath in, my cold and flu infected friends. Can you smell that? That wonderful, reminds you of home cooked meals smell? That’s the smell of Awards Season. And it’s my favorite time of year.
[I ♥ Ricky Gervais.]
The Golden Globes were on last night. To me, they’re like my birthday dinner before the dessert comes. I’ll look foreword to it all day, even plan out what I’m going to wear while I’m experiencing it. I’m starving and it will fill me up, yet not satisfy me completely. That satisfaction, that cherry on top of that delicious plate of fried ice cream, is most definitely the Academy Awards. Well, that’s in a couple of weeks, so for now we get to savor that show that will prepare us for the big one. Hopefully, some of these people will take a second to reflect on the things that they wore. Women like Sandra Bullock and Mo’Nique can sit back and gaze into their reflection staring back at them in their brand new trophies, thinking of how gorgeous they looked (not to mention send their stylists and hairdresser flowers). Then Drew Berrymore (take off that awful fanny pack of sequins, then we'll talk) and Kate Hudson can look into their mirror or the “Worst Dressed” lists that have been generated and think about what they’ve done (those stylists get time outs. Hairstylists did OK.). In a couple of weeks, you can redeem yourselves. Until then, this is what I thought of a few of their peers.
She wanted the attention, so let’s give it to her. Mariah Carey looked like an escort that someone was taking to a steak house. I’m over her and her ghetto fabulous, revealing, over the top ensembles. Everyone is obsessed with how she looks in Precious and it’s (to sat the least) bugging the shit out of me. Who is talking about her actual performance? Nobody. All people can talk about is how the world’s biggest diva took off her makeup to play a role. Big deal. It’s called acting.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Cher. Paul Stanley. Cher. Paul Stanley. /End.
How thrilled was I, by the way, at Amy Adams and Kristen Bell rocked short dresses? While Amy Adams had the cutest maternity dress I’ve seen in a while (See: Rachel Weisz at the 2006 Oscars), Kristen Bell looked fun and comfortable.
After looking at a lot of pictures, I’m wondering how many boys helped pick out their wives’ and girlfriends’ dresses. Anna Paquin looked amazing, I’m sure double stick tape was her best friend for the night. Did Christina Aguliera’s boob pop out? No, wait. That was just a poor color choice for your skin tone. My bad. Oh and thanks a lot, Christina Hendricks. Like my boyfriend needed another excuse to stare at you. Juuust kidding. You're pretty.
Really, Zoe Saldana? What the hell, dude? You’re so cute, have an amazing body, your hair looked flawless. Why then, would you overshadow everything with that disgusting raisin dress? It’s a big, blowsy, wrinkled comforter. There are ruffles where there shouldn’t be, weird flap things missing like redneck teeth, and weird, splotty, gross-- you know what? I won’t waste any more time talking about this mess. And check out Hot Topic on the left. Who brought that guy?
As for boys: Oh hey, Robert Downey, Jr. Like ladies needed a reminder of how awesome you look in a tux. The guy's certainly didn't need a refresher of how badass you are. I feel like he didn’t wear a tie not because a stylist told him not to, but because he didn’t feel like it. And he can do that. You know why? Because he’s fucking Robert Downey, Jr. That’s why.
Speaking of badasses, there are two that I have to mention. Way to bring back velour, Sam Jackson. How the hell did he pull this off? Probably the same way that Mickey Rourke pulled off his Crocodile Dundee lapels. Awesome. (Love his lady friend's fantastic dress!)
Sup, Mark Wahlberg? You’re keepin' it classic, I like that. I like your tux. You've got a bottle of water, good thing. It's hot in California. Say hello to your mother for me.
I don’t know what’s going on with Tracy Morgan, but I’m digging the fact that his umbrella matches his pocket square. Somebody's ready to party.
It is no secret how much I despise the “Twilight” franchise. That’s why my like for Taylor Lautner is shocking even me. Out of everyone (yes, I’m even talking to you, Anna Kendrick. Ride that Clooney train as long as you can.) The kid knows how to dress. Everything is tailored, his hair is always styled, he always looks healthy too, which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for the rest of that cast of hooligans. Hi five, Michigan native!
Best dressed goes to:
Jennifer Aniston. Simple jewelry, hair, and shoes. I hope when I’m in my forties, my legs look that good to wear a slit that high. Kristen Bell was a very, very close second, but I could have done without the Claire’s necklace. Yes, even you’re laughing at that cheap looking choker.
Robert Downey, Jr. Fuck ties.
Worst dressed goes to
So Tina Fey, how does Helena Bonham Carter feel about you stealing her wardrobe from “Sweeny Todd”? Colleen Atwood is piiiiissed!
Quentin Tarantino. Why are you wearing a belly chain? You seem like a cool guy! I like your movies! Just because you have a cult following does not mean you can dress any way you want! Only Mickey Rourke can do that!
The Not-Appropriate-For-The-Night-But-Awesome-Anyway Award goes to Ms. Lindsay Lohan.
Nice attempt, yet not quite hitting the mark. Kinda like her career. (OOOOOOOH!)