Wednesday, June 22, 2011

It's Alright!

Admit it: You still love “Saved By The Bell”. There is no shame in this, it was a pretty amazing show.
Recently though, I have been noticing something different while I catch up with Bayside High every morning—Kelly, Jessie, and Lisa look like the hipster girls walking around my neighborhood. I’ve even found myself saying, “I want Lisa’s jacket!” Don’t believe me?

This is Miss Kelly Kapowski. It looks like she just got through lifeguarding with AC Slater at the Malibu Sands beach club. This looks absolutely appropriate for a lifeguard. I'm sure that high cut is very comfortable while running to save someone while they're drowning. Do I actually hear you liking that suit? That's good because...
This is a one piece suit from American Apparel, appropriately named the MALIBU one piece. Coincidence?! I think not, American Apparel! Look around you. Girls are wearing denim print leggings! Keds! SCRUNCHIES! I kid you not, I saw scrunchies at Hot Topic. HOT TOPIC!

OK, I know what you’re thinking. “Jess, c’mon. It’s a plain one piece! They’ve made those for years!” or “We all know American Apparel is weird!” OK. I see your point and raise you this:
This is Jessie Spano. I’m so happy she took time out of her busy schedule to pose for this picture in this oh-so-Native American inspired jacket. Those shoulder pads! That print! Nobody really likes Jessie Spano. Even her boyfriend AC makes fun of her all the time. Why would we ever—
OH GOD! Urban Outfitters did it too! Urban! I thought you were better than this! Yes, you cater to the hipster crowd. Yes, some things in your store are ugly as hell. One has to wonder if Urban Outfitters got together with the American Apparel people and decided to watch an “I love the 90s” marathon, then just say, “Fuck it! THIS is our collection! Totally awesome!” And then they high fived, held their Zimas up in the air and laughed hysterically.

As much as I adore Zack Morris, boys, please don't start dressing like he does. I literally know one person who can pull off white High tops. ONE. I love my generation, I really do. I love our sense of humor, irony and weird obsession with looking as unattractive as possible (but I’ll save that for another blog). But can we just admit that we do, in fact, miss the ‘90s like crazy? I do (and I’m planning on buying some of those high waisted, Tawny Kitaen jean shorts. Watch me). Looking throughout history, you will see that eventually, everything does come back. It was only a matter of time until we met again, ‘90s. I just hope that the early 2000’s fashion doesn’t come back, with that white eye shadow and bowling shirts with weird prints. It won’t, right? Right? Oh no. I’m so excited… I’m so… scared.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Oscars? What Oscars?

I’m blaming Charlie Sheen for not writing a blog about the Oscars.

No, really. Hear me out.

Can you turn on the TV, read a magazine, go into Hot Topic, log into Facebook, Tweet, play on StumbleUpon, talk to your mom, or even walk down the street without hearing something about Charlie Sheen? No, you can’t. The Academy Awards (aka, my Superbowl) happened just two short weeks ago. Nobody cares anymore. Yeah, Melissa Leo swore during her speech. Christian Bale “forgot” his wife’s name (or did he?... I don’t think he did). Natalie Portman got side swiped by a question about that douchey Dior designer. Is anyone talking about it? No. Not. One. Bit.

Normally in the few days following the Oscars, I’m online, flipping through magazines, and watching every type of Fashion Police-esque show to see every single dress that I didn’t catch during any if the many pre-shows that I watch. I can’t this year. The Academy Awards were on a Sunday night, by Monday morning all anyone could talk about was “winning”.

To be honest, I questioned whether or not I should even go about writing this. Is this old news? You know what? I don’t care. These actresses looked amazing, and damn it, I’m going to talk about it.

Look at Jennifer Hudson! Even though you can see what I’m pretty sure is a tan line on her boobs, she looks amazing. Probably one of my best dressed of the night(even though I saw three people helping her with the train as she posed for pictures).

Or Jennifer Lawrence? So simple, looks so comfortable, and so pretty. Why weren’t people talking about how effortlessly gorgeous she looks?

We need to talk about Mark Wahlberg for a second. He looks great, sure, but I’m pretty sure he wears the same tux to every awards show. Thrifty, but change it up, dude. (PS Check out Batman's awesome beard!)

It’s tradition for me to text one of my besties during every awards show. We’re catty and get excited when our fake celeb boyfriends show up looking awesome (more on that another day). We were torn about Cate Blanchett’s dress, but the final vote goes towards the fact that it was amazing, and I am naming her best dressed.

I honestly don’t think I could have picked a worst dressed this year. The show might have been sub-par (sorry), but I really think everyone looked pulled together (yeah, even Helena Bonham- Carter).

In conclusion, I leave you with an amazing picture that I found while Stumbling. I hope that next year, some celebrity follows the steps below so we’re focusing on more fun things like crazy fashion choices—not laughing while someone’s insane, drug addicted father word vomits Busey-like sentences and puts hundreds of people out of a job while he’s “winning”. Here’s to next year!

Monday, February 21, 2011

An Open Letter to Jennifer Love Hewitt

Dear Jennifer Love Hewitt,

We need to talk about your wardrobe. I’ve been silent long enough. This absolutely has to stop. You’re pretty. You’re young. Why keep dressing like a teenager that has no idea what she’s doing?
First of all, let me say that I get it. When these pictures surfaced, I was just as confused as you were. Why were people hounding you? I’m positive that the biggest reason “curvy” girls get scrutinized is due to the fact that most of the general public doesn’t recognize that “curvy” is not a politically correct term for “overweight”. “Curvy” girls like you do not have big arms or legs, which you obviously do not according to those pictures.

What I don’t get is why you have continued to employ your personal stylist. Look, I watched the Golden Globes and even though I didn’t see that Lifetime movie you were nominated for and I don’t watch your show where you see dead people, I was curious to see what you wore. I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. See, you’re a smart girl. We both know that boys don’t look you directly in the eye while they talk to you (it’s a little further South). Why then would you choose to wear a crumb catcher-like pleated thing up top? I will give you points for the color (it goes extremely well with your skin tone) and I will even compliment you on the cinched waist (more on that in a second). But what’s going on? Is this part of your “I’ll make people like me for my brain” campaign? It’s not working.
I saw you on “The Talk” a few weeks ago and I’ve seen you on other shows since then. It hit me that not only do you refuse to wear a bra with straps (WHY!), you also don’t understand that you have waist, Miss. Please define it. Contrary to what you believe, you have big boobs. That means BRA and NO FLOWY TOPS. Therefore, when something makes your shirt with no structure go outwards, it will stay outwards.

Also, I’m not going to forget about when you dressed as Audrey Hepburn for your birthday. Silly me, I thought those pictures were from the set of “The Audrey Hepburn Story”. It wasn’t! You don’t see other celebrities doing a movie and somehow dressing like that person/ decade. What was that about?

I’ve seen paparazzi pictures of you that are adorable. I know you have it in you to dress better. Jennifer, the Academy Awards are next week. If you need a stylist, contact me. Until then, buy a good bra, find some clothes that fit you, and find a look that works. I believe in you.