Monday, March 15, 2010

"It looks like shower curtains in Florida." -Mike

It’s a common occurrence: my boyfriend, Mike, and I are sitting in the basement, watching Celebrity Rehab (or Minute To Win It which is such a fun show-- give it a try). Incredibly full from a gigantic dinner, we’re probably in our Snuggies, each looking up random shit on our laptops. He’s reading about who is rumored to be Captain America and I’m online window-shopping. I say “window-shopping” because I open every single item I want in a new tab, add it to a wish list or my shopping cart, and walk away. But I don’t walk away before I ask Mike’s opinion. For the last four years, I’ve considered myself lucky to have my boyfriend also be my shopping partner. He will give me honest opinions on dresses, shoes, and even the fit of jeans. Are all couples like this? Do all girls have a boyfriend/ finance/ husband who will honestly tell them if that dress that they so dearly love on the rack looks like absolute crap when it’s actually on?

These questions were answered while I was passed out on the couch tonight watching Say Yes To The Dress. This show has become one of my favorites, even as a girl who isn’t anywhere close to picking out a wedding dress*. The episode I was watching featured couples who came to dress shop together. Every single one of these girls expressed one of my greatest fears: What if your future husband doesn’t like the dress you picked out? Your wedding is one of the most important days of your entire life. A bride wants to feel beautiful, but how can she if her new husband can’t stand how she looks? I can’t believe I haven’t realized this before. As much as anyone wants to say that they’re 100% OK with how they look, you can’t sit there and tell me that what other people think of how you’re dressed doesn’t have any effect on what you buy. Everyone who buys clothes wants a second opinion from someone. Be it your mom, sister, best friend or even your boyfriend..

Believe it or not, boys have an opinion about the things that you wear. They will notice those new jeans you just bought, and not because they’re really tight and show off your ass. Maybe you got a pair that are shredded up and really cool, or maybe you got one of those disgusting pairs that have that dirty brown wash to them. (Why the hell do they even make those? “Yeah, I‘ll take a pair of pants that look like I‘ve been rolling around in dirt all day. Thanks.”) I’ll give you a couple of examples.
I love these shoes:

My boyfriend hates these shoes. While I’m shopping, I’ll ask him, “What do you think of these?” His response, “Here is my problem with those shoes. What are you going to wear with them?” What am I going to wear with them? How the hell should I know? They’re amazing shoes! Look at them! They’re loud, tall, peep toe and have a bow on the back of them! Guess what? They’re also $44, and I shouldn’t be spending that on a pair of shoes. Especially on a pair of shoes that I have nothing to wear them with. Without the opinion of Mike, I probably would have bought those $44 Zombie shoes, anxiously awaited them to come to my door, giddily opened the box, and… realized I own nothing that matches them. See? See why having a boy around is a good idea? (They also make them in ballet flats, which I will be buying. As a girl who only wears heels with dresses, my options are increased with the possibility of a flat.)

Here’s another example.

The bright colors on this dress are what drew me to it in the first place. How pretty! Strapless! Bright colors! But did I notice that ruffle on the bottom? Did I notice that bra cup bodice? Nope! I was to distracted by the crazy candy colors that are splashed across this dress.
As I’m typing this, all I can think of is Gretchen Wieners from Mean Girls. “You don’t try clothes on without asking your friends if it looks good on you first. How are you supposed to know if you like something?” I’m not asking you to not think for yourself. If you honestly like something, get it. Don’t be Gretchen Wieners. Get yourself a shopping partner. Get someone who has your best interest at heart, knows how to say things nicely, and knows what you like. Bonus points if that person happens to be your significant other.

Those shoes are from
The dress is from

*This isn’t a hit to anyone wondering, I’m just saying that I have bigger things to spend my money on at the moment. Like moving to Los Angeles!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

"If fashion was porn, this dress is the money shot!" -Gabourey Sidibe

I knocked over three (count 'em, THREE) drinks on Oscar Sunday. Why was I acting so spazzy? In my excitement over, well, everything, I wouldn't stop looking at the TV long enough to reach for something like a normal person. Two strawberry lemonades and one diet coke later (sorry Mike), I had finally calmed down enough to focus… and get a lid for my drink.

Maybe it was the excessive (yes, excessive) amounts of glitter on stage? Shiny things tend to distract anything with a pulse and I think every actress in Hollywood got that memo Sunday morning. Prime examples of massive sparkle would be Carey Mulligan (who had an amazing dress by the way. Look closely at the sparkles: they're little trinkets!), Tina Fey, Zoe Saldana, and Cameron Diaz to name a few.

Sparkle and structure were the popular choices of the night… even though Jennifer Lopez was a little too reminiscent of Eva Mendes (circa Golden Globes 2009) for my liking. Don’t get me wrong, it was a gorgeous dress and she wore it very, very well. But didn’t she -or her stylist- think that maybe that’s what everyone would think of? I feel that to rock something on the red carpet, you need to have your own image. If it was a cooler dress, I could be saying, “Wow! Remember that piece of shit Eva Mendes wore last year? Jennifer Lopez knows how to do crazy origami the right way!” No dice, J.Lo.

Dammit Kristen Stewart! Why yous gotta be so awkward? Her dress is beautiful, looks comfy as all get out, and has a color that would be flattering on any skin type. Too bad awkward-as-hell Kristen Stewart was the one wearing it. One of these days, nay, my next blog, I will write all about rocking the shit out of whatever you wear. My biggest problem with Kristen is that she never, ever looks confident in anything she wears. What is it going to take, Kristen? Tell us! (I’m still excited for “The Runaways”… don’t tell anyone.) On that note, Miley Cyrus needs to stand up straight. Her dress was beautiful, a little tight up top, but beautiful. Gabourey Sidibe is a prime, perfect example of how to rock a dress.

Charlize Theron was best described as “Boob Dress Theron” by my friend Nikki. I could care less how couture and high fashion that dress is. It’s disgusting. Worst dressed? Maybe. Speaking of boobs, Maggie Gyllenhaal wore a bra! Look how amazing she looks when her boobs are where they’re supposed to be! Her dress was so bright and fun and reminded me of spring. Good job, Maggie. Keep it up! …That could work on two levels. But seriously… keep wearing a bra.

Anna Kendrick’s hair was so fantastic, and I don‘t even like her (sad, I can't find a picture from the back). Tight, uncomfortable updos remind me of prom and pagents. This is how you do an updo. I don’t know how she does it, but Queen Latifah can pull off something tighter and slicked back. You know who can’t? Amanda Seyfried. Sandra Bullock’s hair was so simple, and darker than she usually has it. That chocolate brown color looked so pretty on her. Oh, by the way, Hey George Clooney. Do you need a barber? Are you having trouble finding someone to cut your hair? It sure seems like it, because you look like someone’s dad in the middle of a holy-shit-I‘m-turning-50 freak out. Don’t worry, I’ll be there in two weeks.

Let’s talk about cute boys. I’m really happy Keanu Reeves got to keep his Constantine costume. Thank God, because apparently he has no other dress clothes. Keanu and Taylor Lautner need to go tux shopping and wear something different. We’re in a recession, I get it, but Taylor needs to take some of that werewolf money and get another tux. Take a note from Ryan Reynolds. Way to wear Tom Ford (who also looked awesome), even if you weren’t supporting his movie.

How tacky, by the way, was it that James Cameron and lady friend wore blue when they were there because of “Avatar”? Why didn’t you just wear an “Avatar” t-shirt? We all get it. You’re doing very well. Guess what, Cameron? You lost! To your ex wife! Who looked amazing! (It’s ok, James. I still like “Titanic” and some of the “Terminator” movies.)

Now James Cameron has me in a mood to talk about people who don‘t have a mirror. Faith Hill, you make shitty music. Now you wear shitty clothes. I’m over it. Diane Kruger… what? I don’t understand how she left the house and thought, “Yeah! I look awesome!” At least Quentin Tarantino (aka Diane Kruger's retarded older brother) improved from the Golden Globes… a little bit. Demi Moore, you wore a pretty dress. You have a hot bod. Your shoes were cool. Too bad everything was the same color and now you look like one big blush colored mass. Don’t get me wrong, the dress was stunning. Just not with that skin or shoes.

Everyone needs to take a hint from the Downey’s. Robert Downey, Jr and Susan Downey looked so awesome. I know, tennis shoes at the Academy Awards are normally such a bad idea. If it were anyone else, I would have hated it. But it’s Robert Downey, Jr. He could wear whatever the hell he wants.

Time for Top Picks.

Best dressed female goes to Sandy Powell, the winner for best costume design (for “The Young Victoria”). She may be “feeling greedy” because this is Oscar number three, but with clothes like that, she deserves it. I wish I could find a shot of her entire outfit, because (ok, minus the stripper nails) she looked ah-may-zing.

Dress I want goes to Miley Cyrus. If I could, that would be my wedding dress.

Best dressed male goes to Jake Gyllenhaal, and that doesn’t have anything to do with my recent revelation of how hot he is. His tux looked amazing, his hair was styled, he wasn’t clean shaven- but that’s ok. Rock it out, Gooberballs!!

Best hair goes to Anna Kendrick. Simple. Comfortable. Easy. She could have done that by herself, and I mean that in a good way.

Best Dressed Couple, gotta give it to Robert Downey, Jr and Susan Downey. They looked different and didn’t feel the need to match (Are you listening, Cameron and lady?) just because they went there together. But an extremely close second place pair are Jeff Bridges and wife ALSO NAMED SUSAN. I guess the key to being awesome at the Oscars is bringing your wife named Susan. Hear that, Cameron? Just kidding. Kind of.

Worst dressed female goes to Sarah Jessica Parker. Get outta here with your disgusting choke dress and bad weave.

Dress I want to burn goes to Diane Kruger. That’s all I have to say about that.

Worst dressed male is Chris Pine. I know, shocking. He’s adorable. It's not obvious, but it's still bugging the crap out of me. Please, take note Chris, and bring out your amazing blue eyes with a pocket square or tie… not blue lapels. Gross.

Worst dressed couple would be Nichole Ritchie and Joel Madden. Why? Take off your sunglasses. You’re not Sam Jackson. And Nichole Ritchie, I know you’re a mom now. That doesn’t mean that you need to cover up that body that you worked so hard for! Show off some arm or leg or something! Leave the 100% covered up look to Meryl Streep (and only Meryl Streep).

That's all I've got. The show itself was awesome, I love Steve Martin too much for words. Comment, leave your thoughts! Only 364 days left until the next Academy Awards. I can’t wait!