Saturday, November 13, 2010

Is Tim Gunn officially the only nice person in fashion?

"I feel like a model. It justifies everyone in my life who told me I wouldn’t be anything until I lost weight. It justifies that little girl who cried because she didn’t think she could be in front of the camera. And it’s for other girls who feel like they can’t do this or that and feel like they’re not pretty and not worthy of having their photo taken." --Gabourey Sidibe

A few days ago, I was playing on StumbleUpon (which, by the way, if you haven’t downloaded, do yourself a favor and do it NOW), when a very interesting site came my way. The title was “Full Figured Fashion Week: How To Be Fashionably Fat”. Thinking that this had to be some type of sarcastic twist on itself (they couldn’t be serious), I read on. Funnily enough, the writer, a person named Gendy Alimurung, was in fact completely serious. So serious, that the entire article was about these full figured women and how great it was that they were having their own show during fashion week.

At risk of making this entire blog about my hatred for the way that Gendy wrote about these women, I will steer my feelings towards their rightful destination: The fact that these women, be it plus sized or “fatshionistas” (yes, that IS the word she used), are NORMAL WOMEN. Those of you that know me in person (and have only met me within the past 4 years) might be saying, “Jess, why the hell do you care?” I care because I used to be one of these women. Almost every shopping trip with my mom would result in me crying in the dressing room, crying in the car, or crying at home. They just didn’t make “cute” juniors clothes in plus sizes while I was going to middle school and high school. I would have to shop in the women’s department when I was in 6th grade.

Although Gendy makes valid points with the “how to survive stylishly in a thin person’s world”, it is pointed out at the beginning of the article that they aren’t even her points! They are from these “Fatshionistas”. After rereading the entire article, that same fury that was inside me the first time has returned with full force. The world, especially the fashion industry as a whole, needs to realize that this is what real women look like. Do you ever wonder why you go to a store and the only sizes they seem to have are 0-4? It’s because nobody is that size. Take it from a girl who used to be a 24, stores sell out of the bigger sizes first.

Plus sized women are often treated as not only lesser beings, but in my opinion also like women with a deformity. Being overweight isn’t an ailment, it isn’t a birth defect (which Ms. Gendy should realize, as her Twitter picture clearly portrays her to be one of these women she is writing about). It is something that is a part of you, like a haircut. It can be changed if you want, but it’s who you are. Stop smiling at the heavy girl because she found a coat that works for her. Don’t pat yourself on the back because you remembered to not have everyone announce their t-shirt size aloud for that team building workshop. I’m not telling you not to have manners. I’m simply requesting that you understand that “full figured” women are the same as “skinny” women: the only difference is that they just have a nicer rack and can fill out their jeans better.

Yes, I understand that since the beginning of time, people have been obsessed with weight and sizes. I get that as much as I beg and plead, nobody will ever fully stop talking about it. Hell, I just took time out of my sleeping schedule to write a blog about it. All I ask is that we stop treating these women like they’re different. They aren’t. They’re normal. They don’t need their own form of fashion week-- fashion week should include everyone. (Just ask Tim Gunn. In his book, Gunn's Golden Rules he clearly states that he feels that plus sized women are treated as lesser beings when they should be treated equally.)

I want to apologize if this comes off as a rant, but this is a very sensitive subject for me. As someone who has openly struggled with body image and weight issues for most of my life, I feel that something needs to be said. I do have a message for these women who participated in this “full figured fashion week”: Good for you. And I’m saying “Good for you” in a way that you give props to your friend who just socked the prom queen in the face.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

How To Be A Cute Boy

Wait. Before you say anything, I know. I haven’t written anything in months. I have been slacking in this department and I apologize. A lot has happened since I wrote my last blog. There have been infomercials, tours, trips to Vegas and I actually have a real job now. A real job where I tend to day dream on occasion. I work in an office with a pretty lenient dress code. From what I have observed, it’s just “be clean” and “don’t wear anything offensive”. My building is full of offices, which is full of dudes… going to the office. Every day I observe them, wondering if they picked out what they were wearing of if they happened to have a girl type in their lives who helped them with their wardrobe choices. Then it hit me: For any person to be attractive to the opposite sex, there are only a few essential pieces that they need to own. Guess what? I know what they are! They are so basic, so simple, and guess what: 4 out of 5 pieces can be UNDER $30! Score! Here we go!

1.) Aviators. There’s a reason why these sunglasses have been worn by every badass ever for the past, I don’t know, thirty years. Think about it: any time there is some hot shot guy in a movie (usually toting a gun) he’s wearing aviators. He’s one of two things: super cool, super slick, great dresser or he’s the laid back, probably wearing shorts, funny guy. Win/ win. My sister has worn these for years, strictly bought in gas stations around the country. I suggest this idea because Sunglasses Law states that the more you spend on a pair, the more likely you are to have them stolen or broken. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Oh, also may I add, for most girls, putting on a pair of these suckers will automatically make you drastically better looking. Hyde from That 70s Show anyone?

2. A good pair of jeans. I can not stress this enough. Please, for the love of God, buy a pair of jeans that fits you. While at a stop light the other day, a boy walked in front of my car. He had on clean sneakers (see below), a good cardigan (which I would include, by the way, but not all boys like cardigans--- your loss), and a baseball cap. Nice outfit, right? Oh, wait a second. Your ass is completely hanging out of your tight as hell girl pants. What? How is this comfortable? You can feel comfortable, look cool, and still be put together. This #2 rule should just be “don’t let your ass hang out, you’re not in prison and certainly not impressing anyone”.

3. A nice pair of kicks. A couple of years ago, my step dad told me that when he was on his high school basketball team, he got a pair of converse for practice and another pair strictly for games. Why? Because a good pair of sneakers makes you look clean. Think about it, put on those cool sunglasses, that awesome pair of jeans, your shirt is clean, your hair is styled. Try putting on a dirty, smelly ass pair of shoes and you look like a slob. Meanwhile, that douche bag with that tank top and ripped jeans looks a little bit pulled together with his crisp, white, nicely tied shoes. On a related note, your grandma might not agree with me (well, unless she’s mega cool) but a good pair of tennis shoes could even jazz up a suit. Just sayin’.

4. A good suit. Speaking of suits! You need a good one. I don’t care if you’re flippin’ burgers at Hot n’ Now (which there is no shame in, by the way) you still need a nice suit. There are weddings, funerals, maybe a job interview, and hopefully a date that you want to take your lady on-- all where you will look incredibly handsome with a nice suit. Here’s where it gets tricky: They don’t have to be expensive. Yes, you should find something quality. (Target is your friend. Use it.) At the same time though, this is something you’ll have for years, think of it as an investment. An investment that’ll score a lotta chicks.

5. A good haircut. I was a professional hair stylist for a little over two years. In that time, I did a ton of really crappy haircuts. Not in quality, but in type. Scenester boys, redneck boys, ghetto boys, you name it, I cut it. I wasn’t happy about it, but I cut it. If you want man-bangs, you better be able to pull them off. At the same time, if you want 80s metal hair, you better hairspray that shit as high as it can go and own it. Please get your hair cut. If you don’t use products, tell your stylist. He or she will cut your hair in a way that you don’t need them. Invest in a good shampoo instead. There is no shame at all in taking pride in the way that you look, and it isn’t a stab at your masculinity to flip through a hair book once in a while. Sheesh.

If you have any more questions, might I suggest picking up a copy of the latest GQ. That magazine is amazing and like the boy’s version of Vanity Fair. (Girls, bonus: There are fitness tips, movie reviews, GOOD diet food, lots of chicks with cool hair and makeup to copy, and lots and lots of good looking guys. YES!) On your next shopping trip, please take all of these things into consideration. Just remember: When you look good, you feel good.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Everyone in Los Angeles is beautiful.

Well, I’m officially here. Homeless and unemployed, but here. It took four days, three hotel rooms, two fish tacos, and one cell phone car charger (thanks Bucky, Drunk Dougie, Jase and Mom) to get here. I packed up Trixie* like a puzzle, even throwing trivial things in little nooks and crannies that I could find. What surprised me the most, however, was that I could fit my entire wordrobe inside my tiny car. Thanks to gigantic plastic air tight bags, I was able to do it. I had a tank full of gas, money in my pocket, Mike had the GPS, all electronic devices were charged… so what was there to be scared of?

How to fucking dress when I get here, that’s what!

Everyone in this town has amazing outfits on. Even the hookers that I saw outside The Comedy Store tonight! How am I able to have any self confidence -nay- survive with a wardrobe that is worthy of Michigan only? I have wool sweaters and skirts! I wear tights with everything! My flat black boots are my favorite things in the world! It’s hot here! The only light thing I own are my collection of cut up tshirts. Zooey Deschanel and Jared Leto have not prepared me for how to dress in Los Angeles. Maybe if I had Katy Perry’s legs, than I would be able to wear shorts when it got hot. But I don’t, and I haven’t worn a pair of shorts since I was 15 (I’m not joking: that’s eight years, not including pajama shorts and this past Halloween).

Have you looked at the weather forecast? Of course you haven’t. I am the only person that I know who checks the weather obsessively. For the record, it’s been in the high 60s here. Perfect, just the way I like it. Jeans. Hoodie. Fingerless gloves. Miley flats. Check x4. I think I’ll be OK for now. If not, there’s always Melrose.

*Trixie: (n) the name of my beloved 2007 Royal Blue Cobalt. I love her. Too bad I don’t love her enough to get her an oil change on time. Sorry, Homegirl. Maybe next 2,000 miles.

Monday, March 15, 2010

"It looks like shower curtains in Florida." -Mike

It’s a common occurrence: my boyfriend, Mike, and I are sitting in the basement, watching Celebrity Rehab (or Minute To Win It which is such a fun show-- give it a try). Incredibly full from a gigantic dinner, we’re probably in our Snuggies, each looking up random shit on our laptops. He’s reading about who is rumored to be Captain America and I’m online window-shopping. I say “window-shopping” because I open every single item I want in a new tab, add it to a wish list or my shopping cart, and walk away. But I don’t walk away before I ask Mike’s opinion. For the last four years, I’ve considered myself lucky to have my boyfriend also be my shopping partner. He will give me honest opinions on dresses, shoes, and even the fit of jeans. Are all couples like this? Do all girls have a boyfriend/ finance/ husband who will honestly tell them if that dress that they so dearly love on the rack looks like absolute crap when it’s actually on?

These questions were answered while I was passed out on the couch tonight watching Say Yes To The Dress. This show has become one of my favorites, even as a girl who isn’t anywhere close to picking out a wedding dress*. The episode I was watching featured couples who came to dress shop together. Every single one of these girls expressed one of my greatest fears: What if your future husband doesn’t like the dress you picked out? Your wedding is one of the most important days of your entire life. A bride wants to feel beautiful, but how can she if her new husband can’t stand how she looks? I can’t believe I haven’t realized this before. As much as anyone wants to say that they’re 100% OK with how they look, you can’t sit there and tell me that what other people think of how you’re dressed doesn’t have any effect on what you buy. Everyone who buys clothes wants a second opinion from someone. Be it your mom, sister, best friend or even your boyfriend..

Believe it or not, boys have an opinion about the things that you wear. They will notice those new jeans you just bought, and not because they’re really tight and show off your ass. Maybe you got a pair that are shredded up and really cool, or maybe you got one of those disgusting pairs that have that dirty brown wash to them. (Why the hell do they even make those? “Yeah, I‘ll take a pair of pants that look like I‘ve been rolling around in dirt all day. Thanks.”) I’ll give you a couple of examples.
I love these shoes:

My boyfriend hates these shoes. While I’m shopping, I’ll ask him, “What do you think of these?” His response, “Here is my problem with those shoes. What are you going to wear with them?” What am I going to wear with them? How the hell should I know? They’re amazing shoes! Look at them! They’re loud, tall, peep toe and have a bow on the back of them! Guess what? They’re also $44, and I shouldn’t be spending that on a pair of shoes. Especially on a pair of shoes that I have nothing to wear them with. Without the opinion of Mike, I probably would have bought those $44 Zombie shoes, anxiously awaited them to come to my door, giddily opened the box, and… realized I own nothing that matches them. See? See why having a boy around is a good idea? (They also make them in ballet flats, which I will be buying. As a girl who only wears heels with dresses, my options are increased with the possibility of a flat.)

Here’s another example.

The bright colors on this dress are what drew me to it in the first place. How pretty! Strapless! Bright colors! But did I notice that ruffle on the bottom? Did I notice that bra cup bodice? Nope! I was to distracted by the crazy candy colors that are splashed across this dress.
As I’m typing this, all I can think of is Gretchen Wieners from Mean Girls. “You don’t try clothes on without asking your friends if it looks good on you first. How are you supposed to know if you like something?” I’m not asking you to not think for yourself. If you honestly like something, get it. Don’t be Gretchen Wieners. Get yourself a shopping partner. Get someone who has your best interest at heart, knows how to say things nicely, and knows what you like. Bonus points if that person happens to be your significant other.

Those shoes are from
The dress is from

*This isn’t a hit to anyone wondering, I’m just saying that I have bigger things to spend my money on at the moment. Like moving to Los Angeles!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

"If fashion was porn, this dress is the money shot!" -Gabourey Sidibe

I knocked over three (count 'em, THREE) drinks on Oscar Sunday. Why was I acting so spazzy? In my excitement over, well, everything, I wouldn't stop looking at the TV long enough to reach for something like a normal person. Two strawberry lemonades and one diet coke later (sorry Mike), I had finally calmed down enough to focus… and get a lid for my drink.

Maybe it was the excessive (yes, excessive) amounts of glitter on stage? Shiny things tend to distract anything with a pulse and I think every actress in Hollywood got that memo Sunday morning. Prime examples of massive sparkle would be Carey Mulligan (who had an amazing dress by the way. Look closely at the sparkles: they're little trinkets!), Tina Fey, Zoe Saldana, and Cameron Diaz to name a few.

Sparkle and structure were the popular choices of the night… even though Jennifer Lopez was a little too reminiscent of Eva Mendes (circa Golden Globes 2009) for my liking. Don’t get me wrong, it was a gorgeous dress and she wore it very, very well. But didn’t she -or her stylist- think that maybe that’s what everyone would think of? I feel that to rock something on the red carpet, you need to have your own image. If it was a cooler dress, I could be saying, “Wow! Remember that piece of shit Eva Mendes wore last year? Jennifer Lopez knows how to do crazy origami the right way!” No dice, J.Lo.

Dammit Kristen Stewart! Why yous gotta be so awkward? Her dress is beautiful, looks comfy as all get out, and has a color that would be flattering on any skin type. Too bad awkward-as-hell Kristen Stewart was the one wearing it. One of these days, nay, my next blog, I will write all about rocking the shit out of whatever you wear. My biggest problem with Kristen is that she never, ever looks confident in anything she wears. What is it going to take, Kristen? Tell us! (I’m still excited for “The Runaways”… don’t tell anyone.) On that note, Miley Cyrus needs to stand up straight. Her dress was beautiful, a little tight up top, but beautiful. Gabourey Sidibe is a prime, perfect example of how to rock a dress.

Charlize Theron was best described as “Boob Dress Theron” by my friend Nikki. I could care less how couture and high fashion that dress is. It’s disgusting. Worst dressed? Maybe. Speaking of boobs, Maggie Gyllenhaal wore a bra! Look how amazing she looks when her boobs are where they’re supposed to be! Her dress was so bright and fun and reminded me of spring. Good job, Maggie. Keep it up! …That could work on two levels. But seriously… keep wearing a bra.

Anna Kendrick’s hair was so fantastic, and I don‘t even like her (sad, I can't find a picture from the back). Tight, uncomfortable updos remind me of prom and pagents. This is how you do an updo. I don’t know how she does it, but Queen Latifah can pull off something tighter and slicked back. You know who can’t? Amanda Seyfried. Sandra Bullock’s hair was so simple, and darker than she usually has it. That chocolate brown color looked so pretty on her. Oh, by the way, Hey George Clooney. Do you need a barber? Are you having trouble finding someone to cut your hair? It sure seems like it, because you look like someone’s dad in the middle of a holy-shit-I‘m-turning-50 freak out. Don’t worry, I’ll be there in two weeks.

Let’s talk about cute boys. I’m really happy Keanu Reeves got to keep his Constantine costume. Thank God, because apparently he has no other dress clothes. Keanu and Taylor Lautner need to go tux shopping and wear something different. We’re in a recession, I get it, but Taylor needs to take some of that werewolf money and get another tux. Take a note from Ryan Reynolds. Way to wear Tom Ford (who also looked awesome), even if you weren’t supporting his movie.

How tacky, by the way, was it that James Cameron and lady friend wore blue when they were there because of “Avatar”? Why didn’t you just wear an “Avatar” t-shirt? We all get it. You’re doing very well. Guess what, Cameron? You lost! To your ex wife! Who looked amazing! (It’s ok, James. I still like “Titanic” and some of the “Terminator” movies.)

Now James Cameron has me in a mood to talk about people who don‘t have a mirror. Faith Hill, you make shitty music. Now you wear shitty clothes. I’m over it. Diane Kruger… what? I don’t understand how she left the house and thought, “Yeah! I look awesome!” At least Quentin Tarantino (aka Diane Kruger's retarded older brother) improved from the Golden Globes… a little bit. Demi Moore, you wore a pretty dress. You have a hot bod. Your shoes were cool. Too bad everything was the same color and now you look like one big blush colored mass. Don’t get me wrong, the dress was stunning. Just not with that skin or shoes.

Everyone needs to take a hint from the Downey’s. Robert Downey, Jr and Susan Downey looked so awesome. I know, tennis shoes at the Academy Awards are normally such a bad idea. If it were anyone else, I would have hated it. But it’s Robert Downey, Jr. He could wear whatever the hell he wants.

Time for Top Picks.

Best dressed female goes to Sandy Powell, the winner for best costume design (for “The Young Victoria”). She may be “feeling greedy” because this is Oscar number three, but with clothes like that, she deserves it. I wish I could find a shot of her entire outfit, because (ok, minus the stripper nails) she looked ah-may-zing.

Dress I want goes to Miley Cyrus. If I could, that would be my wedding dress.

Best dressed male goes to Jake Gyllenhaal, and that doesn’t have anything to do with my recent revelation of how hot he is. His tux looked amazing, his hair was styled, he wasn’t clean shaven- but that’s ok. Rock it out, Gooberballs!!

Best hair goes to Anna Kendrick. Simple. Comfortable. Easy. She could have done that by herself, and I mean that in a good way.

Best Dressed Couple, gotta give it to Robert Downey, Jr and Susan Downey. They looked different and didn’t feel the need to match (Are you listening, Cameron and lady?) just because they went there together. But an extremely close second place pair are Jeff Bridges and wife ALSO NAMED SUSAN. I guess the key to being awesome at the Oscars is bringing your wife named Susan. Hear that, Cameron? Just kidding. Kind of.

Worst dressed female goes to Sarah Jessica Parker. Get outta here with your disgusting choke dress and bad weave.

Dress I want to burn goes to Diane Kruger. That’s all I have to say about that.

Worst dressed male is Chris Pine. I know, shocking. He’s adorable. It's not obvious, but it's still bugging the crap out of me. Please, take note Chris, and bring out your amazing blue eyes with a pocket square or tie… not blue lapels. Gross.

Worst dressed couple would be Nichole Ritchie and Joel Madden. Why? Take off your sunglasses. You’re not Sam Jackson. And Nichole Ritchie, I know you’re a mom now. That doesn’t mean that you need to cover up that body that you worked so hard for! Show off some arm or leg or something! Leave the 100% covered up look to Meryl Streep (and only Meryl Streep).

That's all I've got. The show itself was awesome, I love Steve Martin too much for words. Comment, leave your thoughts! Only 364 days left until the next Academy Awards. I can’t wait!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Monday, February 1, 2010

Beyonce's Robot Dress Was The Only Cool Thing About The Grammys

Not gonna lie, I only watched an hour of the Grammy Awards. To be completely honest, I don't care about them. The only reason I watched that hour was because I was killing time before the "Tough Love" finale. While I'm typing this, I'm watching the "Fashion Police" on E. All of them will make that completely valid point that you can take some risks at the Grammys. A celebrity can wear something straight off the runway at this awards show and get on the best dressed list, as opposed to wearing it at the Academy Awards and get stuck on the worst dressed for being "weird". Cool to look at, but I don't care. Here's my short list. I'd like your thoughts.

Lea Michelle was the best dressed. I want this dress. I will wear it every day.

Robot Dress. Best.


It's Miley! Super cute. The world needs more dresses with long sleeves.


Snooki. Who invited you? Nobody knew who you were fifteen minutes ago. Time's up.

What? I'm over Britney.

Hey Paris, we're all waiting for you to grow up, be beautiful and save the world. This girl looks amazingly badass. I would not only high five her, I would ask to borrow that jacket.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

5 Simple Rules for Dressing Yourself.

Yesterday, I went to the movies and saw a fourteen year old girl without pants on.

No, I’m not kidding. This is a strong epidemic among girls 14-24. I suspect the culprits (even though I love them) are Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, and Rihanna. This girl was standing there with her popcorn, yelling to her friends (hi parents, let’s teach your children manners), with a button down shirt, Uggs, and what I believe to be white tights. Not thick leggings, not stretch pants, straight up tights.

If it’s been said once, it’s been said a billion times: leggings are not - I repeat- are not pants. Don’t people know this by now? If I can see your ass and everything else, they are not pants. I thought every girl was taught at age four why it is important to wear pants; you can climb things, sit whichever way you want, and boys certainly can’t see up your skirt if you aren’t wearing one. (That sounded dirtier than I meant it, but you get the just.) In our quest to make ourselves more attractive to the opposite sex, have we forgotten the simple rules of decency and class that we were taught at such a young age? With that being said, I decided to make a couple simple rules, because apparently, they’re being forgotten. So here we go:

The basic things your mother taught you that are still true:

1. Leggings Aren’t a Substitute For Pants. I told you I’d have to say it again. Apparently Facebook fan pages and constant status updates aren’t enough to spread the word. Leggings are appropriate to wear under a short skirt, a sweater dress, a tunic, a long (and I mean long) t-shirt. Rule of thumb is this: if your ass is hanging out, time to rearrange your wardrobe choice or get a second opinion.
Exhibit A. Exhibit B.

2. If The Temperature is Below Freezing, Don‘t Wear a Tank Top. This happens too many times to mention at shows, bars, and (what the hell), at the mall. Yes, your top would be adorable in, say, July. Or California. We live in Michigan. And it’s cold. If everyone around you is walking around in jackets and gloves, chances are you shouldn’t be wearing it. Which brings us to our next point…

3. Know How Big Your Boobs Are. This goes hand in hand with Know Your Bra Size & Wear One. It’s become a game between my boyfriend and I to see how many sluts we can point out throughout the night. The “Hey look, that girl’s about to flash everyone” game has become so popular, we’ve even gotten our friend Nina to join in on a couple of occasions. At Warped Tour this summer, we saw a fifteen year old girl with her boobs hiked up so high, her nipple was showing. I kid you not, the girl’s nipple was hanging out. No joke, it was so bad I thought Chris Hansen was going to pop out from behind the merch booth and invite me to have a seat. Remember that speed dating scene in “40 Year Old Virgin” where Andy is sitting at the table with the girl and her boob gradually falls out? Don’t be that girl. Nobody likes that girl. Sleezy boys want to hook up with that girl, but nobody likes her. Put on a sweater, whore.
Exhibit A. Exhibit B.

4. If Patrick Swayze Walks In Heels Better Than You Do, Time To Practice. I love heels, I really do. But I also know there are rules with wearing them. None on an eight hour shift, icy sidewalks, or at a show where I‘m going to be standing for hours. Try wearing them around the house to break them in. Nothing looks worse than a girl who is leaning too far forward or backwards, staggering around in a pair of wedges (which I saw later at the mall… what the hell, ladies!). A good trick is to wear them to a party where you know you’re going to take your shoes off at the door. You walk in, show off your shoes, and then get to put them on display for the rest of the party guests as your feet get to relax. Just please make sure that you have well manicured toes. And cute tights. But definitely clean feet.
Exhibit A. Exhibit B. ...kinda.

4. Get Dressed Before You Go Out. Hey, guys: PJ pants aren’t sexy, presentable, or trendy. There have been too many girls that I’ve seen in this uniform: full makeup, furry boots, Victoria’s Secret Pink sweatpants, North Face fleece, hair in a knot on the top of her head. Double points if she’s wearing a puffy vest. I’m sorry, is this a sleepover and nobody told me? I’m not saying you need to dress to the nines to go to the grocery store! I’m really not! The thing is, I love my lounge pants as much as you do, but if all of us had to get out of our comfy pants to go to the store, you do too. There are a few exceptions, yes. No need to get fully dressed if you’ve got the flu and running to the store for meds, I get it. But your boyfriend doesn’t want to take you to go see “Dear John” while you haven’t even bothered to get dressed. Lounge pants are for lounging. Not for going to the movies, out to dinner, shopping, getting your hair done, going to class, the list goes on.
Exhibit A. Exhibit B.

5. Don’t Wear a T-shirt With Stupid Shit On It. OK. This could be interpreted a couple of different ways. At the Chicago City & Colour show last weekend, Dallas Green brought up an amazing point: let’s trash stupid t-shirts. Any shirt that claims how hot you are or something about the voices in your head? Just don’t wear it. I understand you want to be different. But hey, thanks for helping me out and just telling me ahead of time, “Jess, don’t waste your time. I’m a fucking weirdo.” By the way, Dallas also said that we get rid of Shaggy. I second that.
Exhibit A. Exhibit B.

These are the biggest things that bother me about society. These rules may seem simple to the average human, but the problem is, most of these average humans don’t follow them. If you or anyone around you begin to break one of these rules, stop. Ask for help. You have a problem, and consider this an intervention. If there are any questions or you want to add to this list, leave a comment. I’m eager to hear them!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Golden Globes 2010: Ricky Gervais is still awesome.

Take a breath in, my cold and flu infected friends. Can you smell that? That wonderful, reminds you of home cooked meals smell? That’s the smell of Awards Season. And it’s my favorite time of year.

[I ♥ Ricky Gervais.]

The Golden Globes were on last night. To me, they’re like my birthday dinner before the dessert comes. I’ll look foreword to it all day, even plan out what I’m going to wear while I’m experiencing it. I’m starving and it will fill me up, yet not satisfy me completely. That satisfaction, that cherry on top of that delicious plate of fried ice cream, is most definitely the Academy Awards. Well, that’s in a couple of weeks, so for now we get to savor that show that will prepare us for the big one. Hopefully, some of these people will take a second to reflect on the things that they wore. Women like Sandra Bullock and Mo’Nique can sit back and gaze into their reflection staring back at them in their brand new trophies, thinking of how gorgeous they looked (not to mention send their stylists and hairdresser flowers). Then Drew Berrymore (take off that awful fanny pack of sequins, then we'll talk) and Kate Hudson can look into their mirror or the “Worst Dressed” lists that have been generated and think about what they’ve done (those stylists get time outs. Hairstylists did OK.). In a couple of weeks, you can redeem yourselves. Until then, this is what I thought of a few of their peers.

She wanted the attention, so let’s give it to her. Mariah Carey looked like an escort that someone was taking to a steak house. I’m over her and her ghetto fabulous, revealing, over the top ensembles. Everyone is obsessed with how she looks in Precious and it’s (to sat the least) bugging the shit out of me. Who is talking about her actual performance? Nobody. All people can talk about is how the world’s biggest diva took off her makeup to play a role. Big deal. It’s called acting.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Cher. Paul Stanley. Cher. Paul Stanley. /End.

How thrilled was I, by the way, at Amy Adams and Kristen Bell rocked short dresses? While Amy Adams had the cutest maternity dress I’ve seen in a while (See: Rachel Weisz at the 2006 Oscars), Kristen Bell looked fun and comfortable.

After looking at a lot of pictures, I’m wondering how many boys helped pick out their wives’ and girlfriends’ dresses. Anna Paquin looked amazing, I’m sure double stick tape was her best friend for the night. Did Christina Aguliera’s boob pop out? No, wait. That was just a poor color choice for your skin tone. My bad. Oh and thanks a lot, Christina Hendricks. Like my boyfriend needed another excuse to stare at you. Juuust kidding. You're pretty.

Really, Zoe Saldana? What the hell, dude? You’re so cute, have an amazing body, your hair looked flawless. Why then, would you overshadow everything with that disgusting raisin dress? It’s a big, blowsy, wrinkled comforter. There are ruffles where there shouldn’t be, weird flap things missing like redneck teeth, and weird, splotty, gross-- you know what? I won’t waste any more time talking about this mess. And check out Hot Topic on the left. Who brought that guy?

As for boys: Oh hey, Robert Downey, Jr. Like ladies needed a reminder of how awesome you look in a tux. The guy's certainly didn't need a refresher of how badass you are. I feel like he didn’t wear a tie not because a stylist told him not to, but because he didn’t feel like it. And he can do that. You know why? Because he’s fucking Robert Downey, Jr. That’s why.

Speaking of badasses, there are two that I have to mention. Way to bring back velour, Sam Jackson. How the hell did he pull this off? Probably the same way that Mickey Rourke pulled off his Crocodile Dundee lapels. Awesome. (Love his lady friend's fantastic dress!)

Sup, Mark Wahlberg? You’re keepin' it classic, I like that. I like your tux. You've got a bottle of water, good thing. It's hot in California. Say hello to your mother for me.

I don’t know what’s going on with Tracy Morgan, but I’m digging the fact that his umbrella matches his pocket square. Somebody's ready to party.

It is no secret how much I despise the “Twilight” franchise. That’s why my like for Taylor Lautner is shocking even me. Out of everyone (yes, I’m even talking to you, Anna Kendrick. Ride that Clooney train as long as you can.) The kid knows how to dress. Everything is tailored, his hair is always styled, he always looks healthy too, which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for the rest of that cast of hooligans. Hi five, Michigan native!

Best dressed goes to:

Jennifer Aniston. Simple jewelry, hair, and shoes. I hope when I’m in my forties, my legs look that good to wear a slit that high. Kristen Bell was a very, very close second, but I could have done without the Claire’s necklace. Yes, even you’re laughing at that cheap looking choker.


Robert Downey, Jr. Fuck ties.

Worst dressed goes to

So Tina Fey, how does Helena Bonham Carter feel about you stealing her wardrobe from “Sweeny Todd”? Colleen Atwood is piiiiissed!


Quentin Tarantino. Why are you wearing a belly chain? You seem like a cool guy! I like your movies! Just because you have a cult following does not mean you can dress any way you want! Only Mickey Rourke can do that!

The Not-Appropriate-For-The-Night-But-Awesome-Anyway Award goes to Ms. Lindsay Lohan.

Nice attempt, yet not quite hitting the mark. Kinda like her career. (OOOOOOOH!)

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Hey cold weather: STFU

I’m freezing. It’s cold outside, I’m wearing layers of clothes, and I’m freezing and I’m pissed off. Let me explain. Lately, (and by lately, of course, I mean the past couple of weeks) I haven’t updated because I’ve been feeling a lack of inspiration. What the hell should I write about? There have been the people I’ve observed at shows, the people who’s hair I’ve cut, the people I’ve seen on reality shows. Something hit me the other day though: I’m fucking pissed off . Oh? You’re asking why? I’ll tell you. It’s January. I’m cold. I wore a dress on New Year’s Eve. I also wore a dress on Christmas Eve. Homegirl got wise and wore pants New Year’s day and Christmas day, though. Tights can only keep you so warm, and I’ve worn my black boots like crazy.
While I had been feeling uninspired I was looking at the most fun new website ever, called Chictopia. It is just a very, very long gallery full of people wearing fantastic outfits and posting them. Well, while looking at this, I see pictures like this. Or this. Or even this. What the hell? Does this website know that while I’m looking at these pictures I’m currently wearing knee socks, pj pants, a tank top, a tshirt, a hoodie, and a Snuggie? Seeing pictures of the amazing sun shining and people in short sleeves is making me sick.
Look, believe it or not, I normally like the wintertime. I do! I was born in December, for cryin’ out loud. Snow is gorgeous to look at, but only if it’s going hand in hand with Christmas lights. I like my birthday, Christmas and New Year’s parties. I also like dresses, sunglasses, and tshirts. Short sleeves and hemlines weren’t designed for girls who live in Michigan. We get those three months out of the 12 month year. This makes (doing the math) nine months of coats, gloves, long sleeves and hats. Nine months! A human grows in that amount of time! That’s so long!
This was brought to my attention last Sunday. Being the girlfriend of an avid toy collector, we have days where we go around town going to various stores looking for these toys. (It’s actually kind of fun. While he browses looking for a variant of someone to make a build-a-figure of someone else who looks like Manbearpig, I get to go around pressing buttons and making “Fur-Real” animals bark at me.) I was digging through my dresser wondering what t-shirt to wear on my day off and it hit me: nobody cares. Know why? Nobody can fucking see it. For all everyone knows, I can have a giant swastika plastered across my chest. You can’t see it under my hoodie and coat. January (and February, and March, and April, and a good chunk of May) always means my big black pea coat, gloves and even sometimes my hat. Always jeans, always boots (oh no, Converse are saved for those days where the sun melts the snow off of the concrete. And forget about those awesome ballet flats that I got that have a FLOWER made out of a ZIPPER. It’s too cold for those.), always sadness.
So I guess my point to writing this was to make a plea to months January, February, March, April, and that good chunk of May Please be kind to us. Remember how amazing June, July, and August were? I understand there needs to be a blizzard of some kind, but let’s leave that behind and kick this whole Global Warming thing into high gear. I’d like to even wear a pair of jeans, hoodie and (gasp!) those super cool ZIPPER FLOWER ballet flats.
Sorry, Al Gore. I’ll take my winter with a side of sunshine and a dash of “unseasonable conditions”. As long as it’s in the name of cute clothes, right?