Sunday, July 11, 2010

How To Be A Cute Boy

Wait. Before you say anything, I know. I haven’t written anything in months. I have been slacking in this department and I apologize. A lot has happened since I wrote my last blog. There have been infomercials, tours, trips to Vegas and I actually have a real job now. A real job where I tend to day dream on occasion. I work in an office with a pretty lenient dress code. From what I have observed, it’s just “be clean” and “don’t wear anything offensive”. My building is full of offices, which is full of dudes… going to the office. Every day I observe them, wondering if they picked out what they were wearing of if they happened to have a girl type in their lives who helped them with their wardrobe choices. Then it hit me: For any person to be attractive to the opposite sex, there are only a few essential pieces that they need to own. Guess what? I know what they are! They are so basic, so simple, and guess what: 4 out of 5 pieces can be UNDER $30! Score! Here we go!

1.) Aviators. There’s a reason why these sunglasses have been worn by every badass ever for the past, I don’t know, thirty years. Think about it: any time there is some hot shot guy in a movie (usually toting a gun) he’s wearing aviators. He’s one of two things: super cool, super slick, great dresser or he’s the laid back, probably wearing shorts, funny guy. Win/ win. My sister has worn these for years, strictly bought in gas stations around the country. I suggest this idea because Sunglasses Law states that the more you spend on a pair, the more likely you are to have them stolen or broken. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Oh, also may I add, for most girls, putting on a pair of these suckers will automatically make you drastically better looking. Hyde from That 70s Show anyone?

2. A good pair of jeans. I can not stress this enough. Please, for the love of God, buy a pair of jeans that fits you. While at a stop light the other day, a boy walked in front of my car. He had on clean sneakers (see below), a good cardigan (which I would include, by the way, but not all boys like cardigans--- your loss), and a baseball cap. Nice outfit, right? Oh, wait a second. Your ass is completely hanging out of your tight as hell girl pants. What? How is this comfortable? You can feel comfortable, look cool, and still be put together. This #2 rule should just be “don’t let your ass hang out, you’re not in prison and certainly not impressing anyone”.

3. A nice pair of kicks. A couple of years ago, my step dad told me that when he was on his high school basketball team, he got a pair of converse for practice and another pair strictly for games. Why? Because a good pair of sneakers makes you look clean. Think about it, put on those cool sunglasses, that awesome pair of jeans, your shirt is clean, your hair is styled. Try putting on a dirty, smelly ass pair of shoes and you look like a slob. Meanwhile, that douche bag with that tank top and ripped jeans looks a little bit pulled together with his crisp, white, nicely tied shoes. On a related note, your grandma might not agree with me (well, unless she’s mega cool) but a good pair of tennis shoes could even jazz up a suit. Just sayin’.

4. A good suit. Speaking of suits! You need a good one. I don’t care if you’re flippin’ burgers at Hot n’ Now (which there is no shame in, by the way) you still need a nice suit. There are weddings, funerals, maybe a job interview, and hopefully a date that you want to take your lady on-- all where you will look incredibly handsome with a nice suit. Here’s where it gets tricky: They don’t have to be expensive. Yes, you should find something quality. (Target is your friend. Use it.) At the same time though, this is something you’ll have for years, think of it as an investment. An investment that’ll score a lotta chicks.

5. A good haircut. I was a professional hair stylist for a little over two years. In that time, I did a ton of really crappy haircuts. Not in quality, but in type. Scenester boys, redneck boys, ghetto boys, you name it, I cut it. I wasn’t happy about it, but I cut it. If you want man-bangs, you better be able to pull them off. At the same time, if you want 80s metal hair, you better hairspray that shit as high as it can go and own it. Please get your hair cut. If you don’t use products, tell your stylist. He or she will cut your hair in a way that you don’t need them. Invest in a good shampoo instead. There is no shame at all in taking pride in the way that you look, and it isn’t a stab at your masculinity to flip through a hair book once in a while. Sheesh.

If you have any more questions, might I suggest picking up a copy of the latest GQ. That magazine is amazing and like the boy’s version of Vanity Fair. (Girls, bonus: There are fitness tips, movie reviews, GOOD diet food, lots of chicks with cool hair and makeup to copy, and lots and lots of good looking guys. YES!) On your next shopping trip, please take all of these things into consideration. Just remember: When you look good, you feel good.


Anonymous said...

this is hilarious, so true, and good advice, all in one. A must read for anyone who is a boy or knows a boy. This means you.

Anonymous said...

How'd u get so smart girl???? must take after your aunt.... ya!

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah Jared! U go girl!!. Love all you have to say. happy to see another Blog from u. Keep em coming