"If fashion was porn, this dress is the money shot!" -Gabourey Sidibe

I knocked over three (count 'em, THREE) drinks on Oscar Sunday. Why was I acting so spazzy? In my excitement over, well, everything, I wouldn't stop looking at the TV long enough to reach for something like a normal person. Two strawberry lemonades and one diet coke later (sorry Mike), I had finally calmed down enough to focus… and get a lid for my drink.

Maybe it was the excessive (yes, excessive) amounts of glitter on stage? Shiny things tend to distract anything with a pulse and I think every actress in Hollywood got that memo Sunday morning. Prime examples of massive sparkle would be Carey Mulligan (who had an amazing dress by the way. Look closely at the sparkles: they're little trinkets!), Tina Fey, Zoe Saldana, and Cameron Diaz to name a few.

Sparkle and structure were the popular choices of the night… even though Jennifer Lopez was a little too reminiscent of Eva Mendes (circa Golden Globes 2009) for my liking. Don’t get me wrong, it was a gorgeous dress and she wore it very, very well. But didn’t she -or her stylist- think that maybe that’s what everyone would think of? I feel that to rock something on the red carpet, you need to have your own image. If it was a cooler dress, I could be saying, “Wow! Remember that piece of shit Eva Mendes wore last year? Jennifer Lopez knows how to do crazy origami the right way!” No dice, J.Lo.

Dammit Kristen Stewart! Why yous gotta be so awkward? Her dress is beautiful, looks comfy as all get out, and has a color that would be flattering on any skin type. Too bad awkward-as-hell Kristen Stewart was the one wearing it. One of these days, nay, my next blog, I will write all about rocking the shit out of whatever you wear. My biggest problem with Kristen is that she never, ever looks confident in anything she wears. What is it going to take, Kristen? Tell us! (I’m still excited for “The Runaways”… don’t tell anyone.) On that note, Miley Cyrus needs to stand up straight. Her dress was beautiful, a little tight up top, but beautiful. Gabourey Sidibe is a prime, perfect example of how to rock a dress.

Charlize Theron was best described as “Boob Dress Theron” by my friend Nikki. I could care less how couture and high fashion that dress is. It’s disgusting. Worst dressed? Maybe. Speaking of boobs, Maggie Gyllenhaal wore a bra! Look how amazing she looks when her boobs are where they’re supposed to be! Her dress was so bright and fun and reminded me of spring. Good job, Maggie. Keep it up! …That could work on two levels. But seriously… keep wearing a bra.

Anna Kendrick’s hair was so fantastic, and I don‘t even like her (sad, I can't find a picture from the back). Tight, uncomfortable updos remind me of prom and pagents. This is how you do an updo. I don’t know how she does it, but Queen Latifah can pull off something tighter and slicked back. You know who can’t? Amanda Seyfried. Sandra Bullock’s hair was so simple, and darker than she usually has it. That chocolate brown color looked so pretty on her. Oh, by the way, Hey George Clooney. Do you need a barber? Are you having trouble finding someone to cut your hair? It sure seems like it, because you look like someone’s dad in the middle of a holy-shit-I‘m-turning-50 freak out. Don’t worry, I’ll be there in two weeks.

Let’s talk about cute boys. I’m really happy Keanu Reeves got to keep his Constantine costume. Thank God, because apparently he has no other dress clothes. Keanu and Taylor Lautner need to go tux shopping and wear something different. We’re in a recession, I get it, but Taylor needs to take some of that werewolf money and get another tux. Take a note from Ryan Reynolds. Way to wear Tom Ford (who also looked awesome), even if you weren’t supporting his movie.

How tacky, by the way, was it that James Cameron and lady friend wore blue when they were there because of “Avatar”? Why didn’t you just wear an “Avatar” t-shirt? We all get it. You’re doing very well. Guess what, Cameron? You lost! To your ex wife! Who looked amazing! (It’s ok, James. I still like “Titanic” and some of the “Terminator” movies.)

Now James Cameron has me in a mood to talk about people who don‘t have a mirror. Faith Hill, you make shitty music. Now you wear shitty clothes. I’m over it. Diane Kruger… what? I don’t understand how she left the house and thought, “Yeah! I look awesome!” At least Quentin Tarantino (aka Diane Kruger's retarded older brother) improved from the Golden Globes… a little bit. Demi Moore, you wore a pretty dress. You have a hot bod. Your shoes were cool. Too bad everything was the same color and now you look like one big blush colored mass. Don’t get me wrong, the dress was stunning. Just not with that skin or shoes.

Everyone needs to take a hint from the Downey’s. Robert Downey, Jr and Susan Downey looked so awesome. I know, tennis shoes at the Academy Awards are normally such a bad idea. If it were anyone else, I would have hated it. But it’s Robert Downey, Jr. He could wear whatever the hell he wants.

Time for Top Picks.

Best dressed female goes to Sandy Powell, the winner for best costume design (for “The Young Victoria”). She may be “feeling greedy” because this is Oscar number three, but with clothes like that, she deserves it. I wish I could find a shot of her entire outfit, because (ok, minus the stripper nails) she looked ah-may-zing.

Dress I want goes to Miley Cyrus. If I could, that would be my wedding dress.

Best dressed male goes to Jake Gyllenhaal, and that doesn’t have anything to do with my recent revelation of how hot he is. His tux looked amazing, his hair was styled, he wasn’t clean shaven- but that’s ok. Rock it out, Gooberballs!!

Best hair goes to Anna Kendrick. Simple. Comfortable. Easy. She could have done that by herself, and I mean that in a good way.

Best Dressed Couple, gotta give it to Robert Downey, Jr and Susan Downey. They looked different and didn’t feel the need to match (Are you listening, Cameron and lady?) just because they went there together. But an extremely close second place pair are Jeff Bridges and wife ALSO NAMED SUSAN. I guess the key to being awesome at the Oscars is bringing your wife named Susan. Hear that, Cameron? Just kidding. Kind of.

Worst dressed female goes to Sarah Jessica Parker. Get outta here with your disgusting choke dress and bad weave.

Dress I want to burn goes to Diane Kruger. That’s all I have to say about that.

Worst dressed male is Chris Pine. I know, shocking. He’s adorable. It's not obvious, but it's still bugging the crap out of me. Please, take note Chris, and bring out your amazing blue eyes with a pocket square or tie… not blue lapels. Gross.

Worst dressed couple would be Nichole Ritchie and Joel Madden. Why? Take off your sunglasses. You’re not Sam Jackson. And Nichole Ritchie, I know you’re a mom now. That doesn’t mean that you need to cover up that body that you worked so hard for! Show off some arm or leg or something! Leave the 100% covered up look to Meryl Streep (and only Meryl Streep).

That's all I've got. The show itself was awesome, I love Steve Martin too much for words. Comment, leave your thoughts! Only 364 days left until the next Academy Awards. I can’t wait!