Oscars? What Oscars?

I’m blaming Charlie Sheen for not writing a blog about the Oscars.

No, really. Hear me out.

Can you turn on the TV, read a magazine, go into Hot Topic, log into Facebook, Tweet, play on StumbleUpon, talk to your mom, or even walk down the street without hearing something about Charlie Sheen? No, you can’t. The Academy Awards (aka, my Superbowl) happened just two short weeks ago. Nobody cares anymore. Yeah, Melissa Leo swore during her speech. Christian Bale “forgot” his wife’s name (or did he?... I don’t think he did). Natalie Portman got side swiped by a question about that douchey Dior designer. Is anyone talking about it? No. Not. One. Bit.

Normally in the few days following the Oscars, I’m online, flipping through magazines, and watching every type of Fashion Police-esque show to see every single dress that I didn’t catch during any if the many pre-shows that I watch. I can’t this year. The Academy Awards were on a Sunday night, by Monday morning all anyone could talk about was “winning”.

To be honest, I questioned whether or not I should even go about writing this. Is this old news? You know what? I don’t care. These actresses looked amazing, and damn it, I’m going to talk about it.

Look at Jennifer Hudson! Even though you can see what I’m pretty sure is a tan line on her boobs, she looks amazing. Probably one of my best dressed of the night(even though I saw three people helping her with the train as she posed for pictures).

Or Jennifer Lawrence? So simple, looks so comfortable, and so pretty. Why weren’t people talking about how effortlessly gorgeous she looks?

We need to talk about Mark Wahlberg for a second. He looks great, sure, but I’m pretty sure he wears the same tux to every awards show. Thrifty, but change it up, dude. (PS Check out Batman's awesome beard!)

It’s tradition for me to text one of my besties during every awards show. We’re catty and get excited when our fake celeb boyfriends show up looking awesome (more on that another day). We were torn about Cate Blanchett’s dress, but the final vote goes towards the fact that it was amazing, and I am naming her best dressed.

I honestly don’t think I could have picked a worst dressed this year. The show might have been sub-par (sorry), but I really think everyone looked pulled together (yeah, even Helena Bonham- Carter).

In conclusion, I leave you with an amazing picture that I found while Stumbling. I hope that next year, some celebrity follows the steps below so we’re focusing on more fun things like crazy fashion choices—not laughing while someone’s insane, drug addicted father word vomits Busey-like sentences and puts hundreds of people out of a job while he’s “winning”. Here’s to next year!

"If fashion was porn, this dress is the money shot!" -Gabourey Sidibe

I knocked over three (count 'em, THREE) drinks on Oscar Sunday. Why was I acting so spazzy? In my excitement over, well, everything, I wouldn't stop looking at the TV long enough to reach for something like a normal person. Two strawberry lemonades and one diet coke later (sorry Mike), I had finally calmed down enough to focus… and get a lid for my drink.

Maybe it was the excessive (yes, excessive) amounts of glitter on stage? Shiny things tend to distract anything with a pulse and I think every actress in Hollywood got that memo Sunday morning. Prime examples of massive sparkle would be Carey Mulligan (who had an amazing dress by the way. Look closely at the sparkles: they're little trinkets!), Tina Fey, Zoe Saldana, and Cameron Diaz to name a few.

Sparkle and structure were the popular choices of the night… even though Jennifer Lopez was a little too reminiscent of Eva Mendes (circa Golden Globes 2009) for my liking. Don’t get me wrong, it was a gorgeous dress and she wore it very, very well. But didn’t she -or her stylist- think that maybe that’s what everyone would think of? I feel that to rock something on the red carpet, you need to have your own image. If it was a cooler dress, I could be saying, “Wow! Remember that piece of shit Eva Mendes wore last year? Jennifer Lopez knows how to do crazy origami the right way!” No dice, J.Lo.

Dammit Kristen Stewart! Why yous gotta be so awkward? Her dress is beautiful, looks comfy as all get out, and has a color that would be flattering on any skin type. Too bad awkward-as-hell Kristen Stewart was the one wearing it. One of these days, nay, my next blog, I will write all about rocking the shit out of whatever you wear. My biggest problem with Kristen is that she never, ever looks confident in anything she wears. What is it going to take, Kristen? Tell us! (I’m still excited for “The Runaways”… don’t tell anyone.) On that note, Miley Cyrus needs to stand up straight. Her dress was beautiful, a little tight up top, but beautiful. Gabourey Sidibe is a prime, perfect example of how to rock a dress.

Charlize Theron was best described as “Boob Dress Theron” by my friend Nikki. I could care less how couture and high fashion that dress is. It’s disgusting. Worst dressed? Maybe. Speaking of boobs, Maggie Gyllenhaal wore a bra! Look how amazing she looks when her boobs are where they’re supposed to be! Her dress was so bright and fun and reminded me of spring. Good job, Maggie. Keep it up! …That could work on two levels. But seriously… keep wearing a bra.

Anna Kendrick’s hair was so fantastic, and I don‘t even like her (sad, I can't find a picture from the back). Tight, uncomfortable updos remind me of prom and pagents. This is how you do an updo. I don’t know how she does it, but Queen Latifah can pull off something tighter and slicked back. You know who can’t? Amanda Seyfried. Sandra Bullock’s hair was so simple, and darker than she usually has it. That chocolate brown color looked so pretty on her. Oh, by the way, Hey George Clooney. Do you need a barber? Are you having trouble finding someone to cut your hair? It sure seems like it, because you look like someone’s dad in the middle of a holy-shit-I‘m-turning-50 freak out. Don’t worry, I’ll be there in two weeks.

Let’s talk about cute boys. I’m really happy Keanu Reeves got to keep his Constantine costume. Thank God, because apparently he has no other dress clothes. Keanu and Taylor Lautner need to go tux shopping and wear something different. We’re in a recession, I get it, but Taylor needs to take some of that werewolf money and get another tux. Take a note from Ryan Reynolds. Way to wear Tom Ford (who also looked awesome), even if you weren’t supporting his movie.

How tacky, by the way, was it that James Cameron and lady friend wore blue when they were there because of “Avatar”? Why didn’t you just wear an “Avatar” t-shirt? We all get it. You’re doing very well. Guess what, Cameron? You lost! To your ex wife! Who looked amazing! (It’s ok, James. I still like “Titanic” and some of the “Terminator” movies.)

Now James Cameron has me in a mood to talk about people who don‘t have a mirror. Faith Hill, you make shitty music. Now you wear shitty clothes. I’m over it. Diane Kruger… what? I don’t understand how she left the house and thought, “Yeah! I look awesome!” At least Quentin Tarantino (aka Diane Kruger's retarded older brother) improved from the Golden Globes… a little bit. Demi Moore, you wore a pretty dress. You have a hot bod. Your shoes were cool. Too bad everything was the same color and now you look like one big blush colored mass. Don’t get me wrong, the dress was stunning. Just not with that skin or shoes.

Everyone needs to take a hint from the Downey’s. Robert Downey, Jr and Susan Downey looked so awesome. I know, tennis shoes at the Academy Awards are normally such a bad idea. If it were anyone else, I would have hated it. But it’s Robert Downey, Jr. He could wear whatever the hell he wants.

Time for Top Picks.

Best dressed female goes to Sandy Powell, the winner for best costume design (for “The Young Victoria”). She may be “feeling greedy” because this is Oscar number three, but with clothes like that, she deserves it. I wish I could find a shot of her entire outfit, because (ok, minus the stripper nails) she looked ah-may-zing.

Dress I want goes to Miley Cyrus. If I could, that would be my wedding dress.

Best dressed male goes to Jake Gyllenhaal, and that doesn’t have anything to do with my recent revelation of how hot he is. His tux looked amazing, his hair was styled, he wasn’t clean shaven- but that’s ok. Rock it out, Gooberballs!!

Best hair goes to Anna Kendrick. Simple. Comfortable. Easy. She could have done that by herself, and I mean that in a good way.

Best Dressed Couple, gotta give it to Robert Downey, Jr and Susan Downey. They looked different and didn’t feel the need to match (Are you listening, Cameron and lady?) just because they went there together. But an extremely close second place pair are Jeff Bridges and wife ALSO NAMED SUSAN. I guess the key to being awesome at the Oscars is bringing your wife named Susan. Hear that, Cameron? Just kidding. Kind of.

Worst dressed female goes to Sarah Jessica Parker. Get outta here with your disgusting choke dress and bad weave.

Dress I want to burn goes to Diane Kruger. That’s all I have to say about that.

Worst dressed male is Chris Pine. I know, shocking. He’s adorable. It's not obvious, but it's still bugging the crap out of me. Please, take note Chris, and bring out your amazing blue eyes with a pocket square or tie… not blue lapels. Gross.

Worst dressed couple would be Nichole Ritchie and Joel Madden. Why? Take off your sunglasses. You’re not Sam Jackson. And Nichole Ritchie, I know you’re a mom now. That doesn’t mean that you need to cover up that body that you worked so hard for! Show off some arm or leg or something! Leave the 100% covered up look to Meryl Streep (and only Meryl Streep).

That's all I've got. The show itself was awesome, I love Steve Martin too much for words. Comment, leave your thoughts! Only 364 days left until the next Academy Awards. I can’t wait!

Golden Globes 2010: Ricky Gervais is still awesome.

Take a breath in, my cold and flu infected friends. Can you smell that? That wonderful, reminds you of home cooked meals smell? That’s the smell of Awards Season. And it’s my favorite time of year.


[I ♥ Ricky Gervais.]

The Golden Globes were on last night. To me, they’re like my birthday dinner before the dessert comes. I’ll look foreword to it all day, even plan out what I’m going to wear while I’m experiencing it. I’m starving and it will fill me up, yet not satisfy me completely. That satisfaction, that cherry on top of that delicious plate of fried ice cream, is most definitely the Academy Awards. Well, that’s in a couple of weeks, so for now we get to savor that show that will prepare us for the big one. Hopefully, some of these people will take a second to reflect on the things that they wore. Women like Sandra Bullock and Mo’Nique can sit back and gaze into their reflection staring back at them in their brand new trophies, thinking of how gorgeous they looked (not to mention send their stylists and hairdresser flowers). Then Drew Berrymore (take off that awful fanny pack of sequins, then we'll talk) and Kate Hudson can look into their mirror or the “Worst Dressed” lists that have been generated and think about what they’ve done (those stylists get time outs. Hairstylists did OK.). In a couple of weeks, you can redeem yourselves. Until then, this is what I thought of a few of their peers.

She wanted the attention, so let’s give it to her. Mariah Carey looked like an escort that someone was taking to a steak house. I’m over her and her ghetto fabulous, revealing, over the top ensembles. Everyone is obsessed with how she looks in Precious and it’s (to sat the least) bugging the shit out of me. Who is talking about her actual performance? Nobody. All people can talk about is how the world’s biggest diva took off her makeup to play a role. Big deal. It’s called acting.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Cher. Paul Stanley. Cher. Paul Stanley. /End.

How thrilled was I, by the way, at Amy Adams and Kristen Bell rocked short dresses? While Amy Adams had the cutest maternity dress I’ve seen in a while (See: Rachel Weisz at the 2006 Oscars), Kristen Bell looked fun and comfortable.

After looking at a lot of pictures, I’m wondering how many boys helped pick out their wives’ and girlfriends’ dresses. Anna Paquin looked amazing, I’m sure double stick tape was her best friend for the night. Did Christina Aguliera’s boob pop out? No, wait. That was just a poor color choice for your skin tone. My bad. Oh and thanks a lot, Christina Hendricks. Like my boyfriend needed another excuse to stare at you. Juuust kidding. You're pretty.

Really, Zoe Saldana? What the hell, dude? You’re so cute, have an amazing body, your hair looked flawless. Why then, would you overshadow everything with that disgusting raisin dress? It’s a big, blowsy, wrinkled comforter. There are ruffles where there shouldn’t be, weird flap things missing like redneck teeth, and weird, splotty, gross-- you know what? I won’t waste any more time talking about this mess. And check out Hot Topic on the left. Who brought that guy?

As for boys: Oh hey, Robert Downey, Jr. Like ladies needed a reminder of how awesome you look in a tux. The guy's certainly didn't need a refresher of how badass you are. I feel like he didn’t wear a tie not because a stylist told him not to, but because he didn’t feel like it. And he can do that. You know why? Because he’s fucking Robert Downey, Jr. That’s why.

Speaking of badasses, there are two that I have to mention. Way to bring back velour, Sam Jackson. How the hell did he pull this off? Probably the same way that Mickey Rourke pulled off his Crocodile Dundee lapels. Awesome. (Love his lady friend's fantastic dress!)

Sup, Mark Wahlberg? You’re keepin' it classic, I like that. I like your tux. You've got a bottle of water, good thing. It's hot in California. Say hello to your mother for me.

I don’t know what’s going on with Tracy Morgan, but I’m digging the fact that his umbrella matches his pocket square. Somebody's ready to party.

It is no secret how much I despise the “Twilight” franchise. That’s why my like for Taylor Lautner is shocking even me. Out of everyone (yes, I’m even talking to you, Anna Kendrick. Ride that Clooney train as long as you can.) The kid knows how to dress. Everything is tailored, his hair is always styled, he always looks healthy too, which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for the rest of that cast of hooligans. Hi five, Michigan native!

Best dressed goes to:

Jennifer Aniston. Simple jewelry, hair, and shoes. I hope when I’m in my forties, my legs look that good to wear a slit that high. Kristen Bell was a very, very close second, but I could have done without the Claire’s necklace. Yes, even you’re laughing at that cheap looking choker.

And

Robert Downey, Jr. Fuck ties.


Worst dressed goes to

So Tina Fey, how does Helena Bonham Carter feel about you stealing her wardrobe from “Sweeny Todd”? Colleen Atwood is piiiiissed!

And

Quentin Tarantino. Why are you wearing a belly chain? You seem like a cool guy! I like your movies! Just because you have a cult following does not mean you can dress any way you want! Only Mickey Rourke can do that!


The Not-Appropriate-For-The-Night-But-Awesome-Anyway Award goes to Ms. Lindsay Lohan.

Nice attempt, yet not quite hitting the mark. Kinda like her career. (OOOOOOOH!)