5 Simple Rules for Dressing Yourself.

Yesterday, I went to the movies and saw a fourteen year old girl without pants on.

No, I’m not kidding. This is a strong epidemic among girls 14-24. I suspect the culprits (even though I love them) are Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, and Rihanna. This girl was standing there with her popcorn, yelling to her friends (hi parents, let’s teach your children manners), with a button down shirt, Uggs, and what I believe to be white tights. Not thick leggings, not stretch pants, straight up tights.

If it’s been said once, it’s been said a billion times: leggings are not - I repeat- are not pants. Don’t people know this by now? If I can see your ass and everything else, they are not pants. I thought every girl was taught at age four why it is important to wear pants; you can climb things, sit whichever way you want, and boys certainly can’t see up your skirt if you aren’t wearing one. (That sounded dirtier than I meant it, but you get the just.) In our quest to make ourselves more attractive to the opposite sex, have we forgotten the simple rules of decency and class that we were taught at such a young age? With that being said, I decided to make a couple simple rules, because apparently, they’re being forgotten. So here we go:

The basic things your mother taught you that are still true:


1. Leggings Aren’t a Substitute For Pants. I told you I’d have to say it again. Apparently Facebook fan pages and constant status updates aren’t enough to spread the word. Leggings are appropriate to wear under a short skirt, a sweater dress, a tunic, a long (and I mean long) t-shirt. Rule of thumb is this: if your ass is hanging out, time to rearrange your wardrobe choice or get a second opinion.
Exhibit A. Exhibit B.

2. If The Temperature is Below Freezing, Don‘t Wear a Tank Top. This happens too many times to mention at shows, bars, and (what the hell), at the mall. Yes, your top would be adorable in, say, July. Or California. We live in Michigan. And it’s cold. If everyone around you is walking around in jackets and gloves, chances are you shouldn’t be wearing it. Which brings us to our next point…

3. Know How Big Your Boobs Are. This goes hand in hand with Know Your Bra Size & Wear One. It’s become a game between my boyfriend and I to see how many sluts we can point out throughout the night. The “Hey look, that girl’s about to flash everyone” game has become so popular, we’ve even gotten our friend Nina to join in on a couple of occasions. At Warped Tour this summer, we saw a fifteen year old girl with her boobs hiked up so high, her nipple was showing. I kid you not, the girl’s nipple was hanging out. No joke, it was so bad I thought Chris Hansen was going to pop out from behind the merch booth and invite me to have a seat. Remember that speed dating scene in “40 Year Old Virgin” where Andy is sitting at the table with the girl and her boob gradually falls out? Don’t be that girl. Nobody likes that girl. Sleezy boys want to hook up with that girl, but nobody likes her. Put on a sweater, whore.
Exhibit A. Exhibit B.

4. If Patrick Swayze Walks In Heels Better Than You Do, Time To Practice. I love heels, I really do. But I also know there are rules with wearing them. None on an eight hour shift, icy sidewalks, or at a show where I‘m going to be standing for hours. Try wearing them around the house to break them in. Nothing looks worse than a girl who is leaning too far forward or backwards, staggering around in a pair of wedges (which I saw later at the mall… what the hell, ladies!). A good trick is to wear them to a party where you know you’re going to take your shoes off at the door. You walk in, show off your shoes, and then get to put them on display for the rest of the party guests as your feet get to relax. Just please make sure that you have well manicured toes. And cute tights. But definitely clean feet.
Exhibit A. Exhibit B. ...kinda.

4. Get Dressed Before You Go Out. Hey, guys: PJ pants aren’t sexy, presentable, or trendy. There have been too many girls that I’ve seen in this uniform: full makeup, furry boots, Victoria’s Secret Pink sweatpants, North Face fleece, hair in a knot on the top of her head. Double points if she’s wearing a puffy vest. I’m sorry, is this a sleepover and nobody told me? I’m not saying you need to dress to the nines to go to the grocery store! I’m really not! The thing is, I love my lounge pants as much as you do, but if all of us had to get out of our comfy pants to go to the store, you do too. There are a few exceptions, yes. No need to get fully dressed if you’ve got the flu and running to the store for meds, I get it. But your boyfriend doesn’t want to take you to go see “Dear John” while you haven’t even bothered to get dressed. Lounge pants are for lounging. Not for going to the movies, out to dinner, shopping, getting your hair done, going to class, the list goes on.
Exhibit A. Exhibit B.

5. Don’t Wear a T-shirt With Stupid Shit On It. OK. This could be interpreted a couple of different ways. At the Chicago City & Colour show last weekend, Dallas Green brought up an amazing point: let’s trash stupid t-shirts. Any shirt that claims how hot you are or something about the voices in your head? Just don’t wear it. I understand you want to be different. But hey, thanks for helping me out and just telling me ahead of time, “Jess, don’t waste your time. I’m a fucking weirdo.” By the way, Dallas also said that we get rid of Shaggy. I second that.
Exhibit A. Exhibit B.

These are the biggest things that bother me about society. These rules may seem simple to the average human, but the problem is, most of these average humans don’t follow them. If you or anyone around you begin to break one of these rules, stop. Ask for help. You have a problem, and consider this an intervention. If there are any questions or you want to add to this list, leave a comment. I’m eager to hear them!